


Bring on the Heartache

by nuttinonice



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Bottom Laurent (Captive Prince), Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon typical references to Laurent's past trauma, Captive Prince - Freeform, College, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Frat boy damen, Fraternities & Sororities, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Laurent cries oops, Light Angst, M/M, Modern AU, Modern Era, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Shower Sex, Smut, damen is so dumb but so sweet, lamen, references to canon typical sexual violence in laurent's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:29:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28532946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuttinonice/pseuds/nuttinonice
Summary: Laurent had never allowed Damen to do more than kiss him while drunk until recently. Last night, as they danced to bad music in the living room, Damen wearing that stupidly big grin on his face and picking him up without stumbling for a single second to kiss him hard, Laurent didn’t feel any of the anxiety he thought he would.He thought the smell of liquor on his lover’s breath would bring up too many bad memories if he allowed it in the bedroom. He thought he would feel anxious and afraid, that Damen, as gentle as he is, might be too rough if he was too drunk to control himself. But he wasn’t. Damen was just… Damen.
Relationships: Damen/Laurent (Captive Prince)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 214





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First Lamen fic of 2021!

Laurent rakes his fingers through Damen’s curls absentmindedly, twirling the locks around his fingers, breathing in Damen’s cologne from last night. He’ll wake up any minute, hungover and whining, and Laurent will give him shit for getting so unspeakably plastered the night before. Then he’ll grab Damen a glass of water and some Aspirin from the bathroom, maybe he’ll even face Damen’s frat brothers downstairs to make a simple breakfast if Damen is sweet enough — Laurent knows he will be.

It’s the first night he’s just laid in the aftermath of their lovemaking — no rushing to the bathroom the moment Damen comes down from orgasm, no redressing himself quickly to hide his body away again. He just fell asleep in his sweet, stupid, adorably annoying boyfriend’s arms after sex so emotional, Laurent can’t believe Damen had been able to make him feel that way intoxicated.

Laurent had never even allowed Damen to do more than kiss him while drunk until recently. Last night, as they danced to bad music in the living room, Damen wearing that stupidly big grin on his face and picking him up without stumbling for a single second to kiss him hard, Laurent didn’t feel any of the anxiety he thought he would. 

He thought the smell of liquor on his lover’s breath would bring up too many bad memories if he allowed it in the bedroom. He thought he would feel anxious and afraid, that Damen, as gentle as he is, might be too rough if he was too drunk to control himself. But he wasn’t. Damen was just… Damen. 

He’d taken Laurent upstairs and fallen onto his bed to pull Laurent on top of him rather than pinning him down, mumbling corny praises as he kissed down his neck. Even drunk, Damen remembered his comfort. He left his hands to the side until Laurent allowed him to touch and Laurent realized he felt perfectly safe. Damen was an adorable drunk, not an angry one. He fucked Laurent slowly and deeply, kissing him all over, telling him how beautiful he was.

Laurent thought he was going to burn right through the mattress, Damen’s words made him blush so fiercely. But it had all felt good. It had felt so good.

Laurent is glad Damen waited for him. Waited for him when they first met in an international affairs intro class and Laurent had rolled his eyes at his every question. Waited for him while he resisted Damen’s well meaning friendship over and over again. Waited for him when Laurent finally agreed to go out on a date with him, but wouldn’t allow himself to be kissed until Damen took him out on another and another. 

They had waited ten months out of a year long relationship to have sex. It was something unspeakable to do in college, let alone for someone like Damen - a star athlete and a fraternity brother. But Damen has never pressured him and when his unwavering kindness and understanding had broken through Laurent’s very last wall, he listened to every word he said. He listened when Laurent told him what his uncle did, how he pays his own way through school and never returns home to avoid him in his life again. He listened when Laurent blubbered apology after apology for not having sex with him and Damen had only hugged him close and told him he didn’t need to apologize.

When they had sex for the first time — real sex, allowing Damen inside of him for the very first time — Laurent learned what love making was. It wasn’t painful or frightening, it was warm and soft and deep all at once, the only time he could remember where for just a moment, he’d stopped thinking entirely. When they talked after, Damen promised to keep their intimacy between them. 

Of course, Laurent’s reputation was a cold bitchy twink with a filthy mouth, but a stick up his ass. They had been together long enough, that Damen’s close friends knew the description wasn’t entirely true, but Laurent would shrivel up and die if people knew he’d made Damen wait ten months to fuck. If anyone knew why, he wouldn’t recover. There’s never been a single other person but Damen that Laurent’s allowed willfully into his bed.

He hadn’t exactly made that part clear to Damen. He had only assured him that he wasn’t a virgin, that he knew what he was doing — both true, but Laurent only said them because he didn’t want Damen to think he was made of glass.

It had taken a year to cultivate this trust between them. A trust that allows Damen to wake Laurent in the night when he has night terrors, gut wrenching flashbacks of his abuse, and Laurent doesn’t kick him out or run away from him. Damen holds him, talks to him, strokes his hair until he stops shaking. Laurent lives alone in an apartment a few blocks down, no roommates as he’d feared being heard talking, or screaming on occasion, in his sleep.

Damen is the only one. He’s the only one Laurent has let in, physically and emotionally. He’s the only person Laurent can be himself with.

So now, looking at his sleeping boyfriend nearly drooling onto his chest, Laurent’s chest feels warm. He breathes in tandem with Damen’s heartbeat and strokes his back just to enjoy the smooth skin against his own. He isn’t even bothered by the sticky feeling between them from last night’s activities, or the soreness between his legs. He’s just content.

Damen grants Laurent a few more easy minutes of watching him sleep before he begins to stir, slowly blinking his eyes open and beginning to look around the room. He grimaces at first, the sunlight from the window exacerbating what Laurent can imagine is a blinding headache, before he looks up at Laurent and smiles. “Hey.”

“Good morning.” Laurent laughs a little. “I’m glad you’re up, I was starting to worry you’d gone comatose.”

“Mm, not quite but close to it.” Damen grumbles as he settles into Laurent’s chest again. “I could stay in bed all day.”

“Not if you want a certain someone to nurse your hangover.” Laurent says, giving Damen a kiss on the top of his head before he carefully untangles himself. He crinkles his nose at the mess between them and the stained sheets for a moment before heading to the bathroom, pouring a glass of water and grabbing two pills from the medicine cabinet to bring to Damen.

“Here.” He says, handing both to Damen and watching him swallow them down. “I’m getting in the shower if you want to join me.”

“Shower sounds good.” Damen nods, groaning as he stretches his arms out and forces himself up out of bed. 

Laurent turns to head for the bathroom again, but two arms wrap around his waist and pull him back, Damen squeezing him tight from behind. “Yes?” He raises an eyebrow and tilts his head back to peer at the taller man. “If you think sex is in the picture right now, I’m afraid your cock last night has left me in no shape for round two.”

“Aw.” Damen pouts, sliding one hand down to cup Laurent’s ass. “I’m sorry. Was I rough at all last night? I wasn’t so drunk that I don’t remember anything, but I want to make sure.”

“You weren’t too rough.” Laurent assures him, pulling out of his arms to continue his journey towards the shower and a body free of Damen’s come on (and unfortunately in) it. “Last night was… good.” He blushes when he slides the glass door back and reaches into the stall to turn on the hot water. “I had fun.”

“I’m glad.” Damen smiles, coming up just to kiss Laurent’s cheek before he turns to the sink to brush his teeth. Laurent isn’t usually a big fan of his morning breath. “I think people were surprised to see you dance last night.”

“Why, because I’m good?” Laurent smirks although he knows perfectly well why it might have been a spectacle. “Well even this ice queen had to let loose once in a while. Finals are getting too close to comfort.”

“Don’t mention finals until this hangover passes.” Damen grimaces before stepping into the shower as well and reaching for the shampoo. “Head back.” 

Laurent rolls his eyes but obeys, tipping his head back under the running water to soak his hair. He sighs at the heat, already feeling his skin begin to run clean as well. He won’t admit it, but he doesn’t quite need to. Damen does it anyway when he protests, but he loves having his hair touched and consequentially, adores when Damen washes it for him. 

Damen keeps Laurent’s hair products in his shower — a special shampoo for wavy blonde hair that helps keep it shiny, a conditioner that keeps it from frizzing during a day of walking around campus. He lathers his hands and massages Laurent’s scalp to work in the shampoo, kissing water droplets off his neck as he goes. 

Laurent used to stifle his reactions a little more, but now he lets himself sigh in pleasure as Damen’s strong hands work through his hair with a gentleness. 

Damen works on his hair far longer than necessary before instructing Laurent to lean his head back and thoroughly rinsing all of the suds from it. 

“Back up.”

“Damen, you really don’t have to-“

“Oh, I want to.” Damen laughs as he takes the conditioner and repeats the process, massaging every sensitive inch of Laurent’s head before stepping around to stand in front of him, kissing him and roaming his hands up and down Laurent’s sides as the conditioner sets in. 

Damen washes his own hair as Laurent rinses out the conditioner and gives a half assed pass over himself with the soap bar while Laurent is still halfway through washing himself. 

“You take your time in here, I’m going to go make some coffee downstairs.” Damen says, planting a kiss on the tip of Laurent’s nose before sliding the shower door back again. 

“Are you sure?” Laurent frowns. Damen’s the one who’s hungover, he should be fetching him coffee.

“Yeah, I want to catch up with the guys and see how they all spent the night.” Damen chuckles, grabbing a towel from the metal bar beside the shower and rubbing it back and forth over his hair before dabbing his body dry. “I’ll bring a cup up for you.”

“Thanks.” Laurent says, honestly. He knows Damen will bring it exactly how he likes.

He takes his time in the shower, washing himself until he’s completely clean. He knows when he smells good, Damen likes to hug him close and kiss up his neck too, so he’s not complaining about the extra time spent making himself presentable.

Out of the shower, he takes a little more time to dry himself thoroughly, blow drying his hair enough that it’s just damp and not completely soaked. 

Laurent pokes his head out of the bathroom, expecting to see Damen reclining on the bed with a cup of coffee, but he isn’t there. Whatever his friends got up to last night must have been interesting, so he takes the blue silk robe he keeps stashed away in Damen’s dresser for moments such as these and ties the sash tight around his waist to head downstairs and see for himself.

He’s two steps down the staircase, just out of sight of the kitchen when he hears his name and pauses.

“Come on, Damen. You’ve held out on us for a year, everyone’s dying.” Nikandros groans from the kitchen’s direction. “I know he’s actually pretty chill when he’s around you but you’re dating the Ice Queen, what the hell does he do in bed that has you wrapped around his finger?”

“He has to be porn star level good, the way he talks.” Makedon adds on. “Seriously, him dancing last night? Every girl and gay dude in the room was looking at his ass, you can’t keep holding out on us, what’s his deal?”

Laurent’s chest tightens, his face heating up as he thinks to last night. He was just trying to have fun with Damen… was he really that much of a pariah? Did he embarrass himself? 

“I told you guys, he’s just really sweet in private. That’s all.” Damen says and Laurent lets out a breath of relief. He didn’t necessarily expect a different response, he trusts Damen after all, but it’s horribly anxiety inducing to listen to him be interrogated about his sex life. Is Laurent really such a subject of interest? It’s not like he bitches everyone out like he used to, he even considers Nik and Makedon to be… sort of friends. Casual ones, but still, being talked about this way is making his skin crawl.

For a moment of fleeting dread, Laurent remembers the older men that would come over and smoke with his uncle, the horrible perverted way his uncle talked about him and his body, like he was a whore and not his nephew. He swallows hard and pushes the thought away. He should go back upstairs, but even his iron will isn’t quite strong enough to walk away from a conversation about him. 

“Dameeeeeen.” Nikandros groans again, much more dramatic. “We’re your best friends, you never tell us anything.” Laurent can hear the pout in his voice. “He’s such a dick twenty-four hours a day, what kind of transformation happens when you get him alone? Is he kinky?”

“Leave it alone, guys.” Damen warns.

“Come on, you’re the only person on campus who’s gotten in this guys pants and everyone looks at him.” Makedon adds and Laurent curls in on himself, sitting on the top step and crossing his arms tight. “ you’re fucking the hottest, most hard to obtain ass at this school.”

Everyone looks at him? He doesn’t exactly dress modestly, but he’s nowhere near provocative… Do Damen’s friends all see him this way? Just some trophy their friend has miraculously won and they all want to win it too? Laurent has to swallow hard, hugging himself as if he’s too naked in the floor length robe.

“Damen I swear to God, you give me one detail and I’ll leave you alone today.” Makedon pleads and Laurent’s stomach turns when Damen doesn’t reply right away.

“He’s just…” Damen starts and stops again, Laurent’s heart hammering a hole in his chest. “He’s sweeter than he seems. Sex with him is really emotional.” 

Laurent’s cheeks burn red. Sure, it’s vague, but why is Damen saying anything at all? Whatever demeanor Laurent has in bed with him, that’s for Damen, not his stupid frat buddies. His chest is starting to ache.

“He makes all these cute noises when he gets worked up.”

Please stop talking, Laurent begs internally. He can live with what Damen’s told them thus far, but if Damen truly reveals anything intimate, he feels like his heart might break.

“And he has really sensitive ears, they get all pink when he blushes.”

I trusted you. I trusted you. Please don’t say another word to them, I trusted you. Laurent feels like the room is spinning.

“He’s gotten a lot of shit in the past.” Damen continues. “He likes to be taken care of, when you actually get to know him… he’s really gentle. Sometimes if I praise him, he does this blushy thing it’s crazy.” Damen gives an affectionate laugh at the admission, but Laurent feels his insides crumple.

Stop. Please, please stop.

“He gets really cute sometimes. He responds to nicknames and with the praise stuff, he reacts a lot if I call him good, tell him how much I like what he’s doing, that kind of thing.”

Laurent feels his lips tremble, his eyes watering before he realized there are tears welling up at all. He hasn’t felt this way since… he can’t even remember the last time he felt so hurt or betrayed because he hasn’t let anyone in before. He never let anyone see this side of him, so that no one could make him feel this way, so that no one could hurt him or betray him.

But he’d let Damen in… he’d let him in so, so deep inside of himself, not just his body, but his mind, his heart. 

He presses a fist quick against his lips for fear sound may escape them and give him away. 

“And you’re sure you’re talking about Laurent?” Nikandros’s voice echoes up the stairs. “The guy who rips everyone to shreds with all those dirty insults, likes it when his boyfriend calls him a good boy in bed?”

Laurent can’t listen to any more. He’s careful when he rises, his hand shaking on the bannister, but he knows the stairs will creak if he’s careless. 

Once standing, he creeps carefully up the two stairs he’d descended and walks quickly back into Damen’s room, shutting the door softly behind him despite how much he wants to slam it.

He hasn’t felt this in a while — like he wants to scream and sob and wail, throw something through a window, bang his head against the wall. But he spent years bottling those urges. He can bottle them again now. He won’t give Damen the satisfaction of seeing him cry like a child. 

Anger burns in his gut while sadness aches his chest as he blinks his eyes quickly, trying to drive back tears as he undresses and searches desperately for last night's clothes.

He takes the underwear he keeps in Damen’s dresser and wrestles himself back into his jeans from the night before, his skin still damp and resistant from the shower. 

The loose white shirt he’d worn last night only because Damen had recently told him how nice he looked in white is crumpled on the floor at the foot of the bed. Laurent yanks it on anyways and tries not to let out the agonizing sound threatening to rise in his throat when it smells just like Damen’s cologne and deodorant. 

He finds his keys on the nightstand and rips his phone off of Damen’s charger to stuff in his back pocket just as the door to the room opens. 

“Oh, you’re dressed.” Damen says, Laurent’s back turnt to him as he walks over to set a cup of coffee on the nightstand. He looks up to meet Laurent’s eyes and his face melts into worry in seconds. “Laurent? Hey, what’s wrong?”

Laurent wants to scream at him. He wants to let every filthy insult he can think of fly at Damen without remorse, but he knows he can’t open his mouth without a sob falling out of it. His body is aching as if Damen had thrown him down the stairs, not just broken his heart. Every muscle feels sore as he narrows his eyes and glares at Damen. He knows Damen can see the tears that have welled up too quickly to blink back and he watches as Damen quickly catches on to his fury.

“Oh, Laurent I…” Damen suddenly looks miserable. “Laurent, I was just trying to get them off my back, I swear I only told them as much as I thought would get them to leave us alone a-and then I just got…” He lets out a panicked breath and scrubs his hand through his hair, his brown eyes wide with a fear Laurent hasn’t seen on him before. He ignores the way it threatens to tug at his heart strings “I just got lost in my own thoughts about you and I shared more than I meant to, I’m so, so sorry, please-“ Damen reaches out a hand, but Laurent steps back quickly.

“Don’t touch me.” He hisses, his hands balling into fists even if they’re shaking. “Don’t come near me. Don’t text me, don’t fucking call me, don’t you dare set foot near me ever again.”

“Laurent.” Damen’s mouth wobbles. “Laurent I’m so sorry I fucked up, but please. I-It’s me. I love you, I would never-“

“Tsk.” Laurent clicks and pushes past him, trying with every ounce of his being to ignore the horrible guilt Damen’s pain makes him feel. Laurent isn’t the person who betrayed their trust. Laurent didn’t do anything to Damen to deserve this and he’ll be damned if he feels sorry for him on top of the agonizing knowledge of Damen’s stupid friends knowing some of his most intimate secrets. 

“Laurent, please.”

Laurent does slam the door this time, kicking it shut hard behind him and descending the stairs two at a time, eyes facing forward so as not to meet the stunned expressions of Nikandros and Makedon when he passes them on his way to the front door. 

Out on the sidewalk, he makes a beeline for the corner and turns it before Damen can come running after him. It’s times like this he curses not having a car. He gets everywhere on foot or rides with Damen, now he’s out in the cold — literally.

He clenches his teeth and tries to steady his breathing, the panicked intakes of breath are making the cold air burn his throat. His place is only a few blocks away. Just a few blocks.

When the wind blows against him and Laurent sees the road is empty on a Sunday morning, he lets his lips tremble, sniffling as he picks up the pace to his apartment. He feels like he could shake apart any second, now shivering on top of his tremors. He still wants to scream, but he swallows the urge hard, looking over his shoulder every few steps to make sure Damen hasn’t driven after him.

He hasn’t and Laurent despises himself for feeling a twinge of disappointment. 

He walks even faster, fearing his demeanor will crumble any moment as he finally reaches his apartment building. He avoids the elevator and opts for the stairs, his chest rising and falling in quick shallow breaths as he hurries to the second floor and fumbles with his key. His hands are shaking so hard he needs both of them to fit the key in the lock.

Laurent practically falls inside of the apartment, ripping his key back out of the door and slamming it behind him. He locks all three locks, the doorknob, the bolt, and the metal slider at the top.

His apartment only has three rooms, the open kitchen and living room and his bedroom with its bathroom attached. He kicks his shoes off in the living room and drops his keys to the floor, hiccuping as he rushes to his bedroom and locks that door behind him too. 

He closes the blinds, then falls down on the bed, burying his face in the pillow to let out every aching sob his body heaves up. 

How did he let this happen? How did he let himself fall in love with anyone, knowing it would destroy him if he was betrayed? 

Laurent rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling, gasping for air as his breaths quicken, his heart pounding as he squeezes his eyes shut. 

It will pass. You’ve felt this before, it will pass. 

His last panic attack had been six months ago when his uncle had sent a letter, trying to lure Laurent home under the guise of ‘reconnecting.’ Laurent had changed his mailing address and shaken apart in his room for hours before allowing Damen to come over and comfort him.

There was no one that could comfort him now. After surviving for so long without it, he had become weak. He let himself rely on Damen, his warm body and kind eyes. He’ll have to learn all over again how to get by on his own. 

He closes his eyes and forces his lungs to cooperate one breath at a time, holding it and counting to five before blowing it out, not allowing himself to take any air back in until he counts to five again. 

It feels like it takes a thousand breaths for his heart to stop pounding, but he can eventually breathe evenly again. He still cries, still hiccups, his chest burning with hurt as he counts the dots on the ceiling tiles. 

What did he do for Damen to hurt him like this? Laurent had told him in no uncertain terms how much it would destroy him if Damen exposed this part of him. Laurent had told him so much… Damen is the only person in his life who knows how he was raped, abused, how he was only able to flee two short years ago to university. 

He’s gotten a lot of shit in the past.

Laurent’s mouth wobbles all over again. Not everyone is as naive and well meaning as Damen is (or as Laurent had thought he was). A guy who’s icy and protective, who keeps his sex life locked up with a silver key, who’s had some shit in the past? Laurent knows what his friends will think, the theories they’ll come up with of why he is the way he is. Chances are, their guesses won’t be too far off from the truth.

His phone is vibrating continuously in his pocket, missed calls and texts from Damen. Laurent doesn’t read them. 

He tosses the phone from the bed to the bean bag in the corner (an addition of Damen’s to his bedroom of course) and tugs the covers over his head, squeezing his eyes shut and waiting until the exhaustion of crying allows him to fall asleep.

He’ll sleep all day if it means he can forget how this feels for a moment.

***** 

Laurent falls into a fitful rest for a while, thankfully dreamless, but he wakes up feeling no less tired or miserable. 

It’s early evening by the time he drags himself out of bed and changes into clean clothes, shoving the shirt that smells like Damen into the bottom of his hamper. There’s plenty of Damen’s t shirts in there along with it and he shuts the hamper to avoid thinking about all the little bits of Damen that have invaded every corner of his life.

Poking out from under his bed, he notices the enormous gift wrapped box peeking out and another pang in his chest stops him in his tracks. They were supposed to spend Christmas together this year… Damen had even promised to stay in town for the entirety of winter break.

Laurent had spent months saving up, wanting to get him something special for all that Damen had done for him… He’d bought it just last week. Damen had told him once about how him and his older brother used to play guitar together before his brother had died, something that Laurent connected with him deeply over — both of them little brothers left behind. So Laurent had saved every penny of his spare tutoring cash and bought Damen an acoustic guitar. He didn’t know much about instruments but he’d talked at length with the guy at the store to find one that sounded perfect for Damen. 

His eyes threaten to water again, so he kicks the box back under the bed all the way and picks up his phone to swipe away the dozens of notifications. Even Nik and Makedon have texted him, but he ignores every message. 

He’s honest enough with himself to know how badly he wants to believe Damen when he skims the words, repetitions of “sorry” over and over, promises it will never happen again. Laurent is also realistic enough to know that he can’t believe him, even if he wants to. 

What’s hurting him the most is how Damen made him feel like an object. Sex between them every time felt so emotional and deep, so intimate Laurent almost cried at times. Even if he was using words to describe Laurent as sweet, hearing him talk about what he liked in bed made him feel like a cheap fuck. No matter how much love supposedly dripped from Damen’s voice when he spoke of it, Laurent knew the picture he’d painted was of a bratty twink on all fours, preening when Damen tells him what a good boy he is. 

Heat pools in his cheeks with humiliation. He hadn’t even meant to let Damen know how much he liked to be praised — Damen had guessed it and Laurent had helplessly reacted. He would shiver thinking about Damen running a hand through his hair, calling him beautiful, telling him how tight he felt, how good he was for him… Now he feels so ashamed of every time Damen cooed pretty words into his ear and he’d arched his back or moaned in reply. How did he let himself be so vulnerable?

Laurent shuts his phone off and drops it again, blinking hard as he heads to the kitchen, hoping a glass of water will soothe his sore throat. 

Maybe if he buries his nose in a textbook, he can forget about all of this for a minute. Damen may have broken his heart, but Laurent is here on scholarship. Damen won’t take his GPA down with him at least.

*****

“I told you guys to leave me alone about it.” Damen groans, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes as he lays on the couch, Mak to his left on the worn down arm chair and Nik sitting by his feet. They pretty much told all the other brothers to steer clear for the day, Damen can’t even remember the last time he felt so horrible. He doesn’t think he’s even felt pain like this since he lost his dad and brother. 

“I’m so stupid.” He sniffs, removing his hands to stare up at the ceiling. “I am a horrible person.”

“I’m uh… I’m still really sorry.” Nikandros winces. “I thought you were just doing your whole chivalrous gentleman thing, I didn’t know it was actually…”

“We had no clue it was really important to him.” Makedon finishes with an awkward clear of his throat. “We wouldn’t have pushed so much, if we knew um… whatever he went through-“

“Don’t.” Damen holds his hand up. “Don’t ask me about his past, don’t make guesses, I betrayed his trust completely by telling you guys he had a past at all.” He remembers the tearful night Laurent had told him what he’d lived through. Losing his brother, his father — both soldiers abroad. Then when all he had was one remaining family member to turn to, he was horribly abused until he was old enough to escape. Laurent had shared that with him and even if Damen didn’t even tell his friends that it was abuse, that Laurent was an orphan like he was, that he was a rape survivor, he knows how much it hurt Laurent to know he had said anything at all.

Laurent despises pity and he knows too well from Damen the look of horror that comes with the knowledge of what’s been done to him. He doesn’t want to be that person. He wants to be top of his class, he wants to get a job where he can use his brain to help people. He doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him, to know the atrocities that he survived and Damen betrayed that. 

Laurent armors himself in his reputation — his harsh words, cold demeanor, and bitchy cleverness. Damen letting out the fact that Laurent’s persona is a result of some dark hidden past, shatters that image right there. 

“We won’t ask.” Nikandros nods, slumped on the sofa.

“You know, he thought you guys were his friends too.” Damen swallows hard, sitting himself up and glaring at Nikandros. “He doesn’t let it on, he even denies it to me, but he knows you guys are my best friends. It matters to him what you guys think of him and if he heard us in the kitchen, he knows you guys just see him as a sex object. He’s been my boyfriend for a year.”

“I know.” Nikandros grimaces, Makedon curling in on himself similarly. “I’m… so sorry, Damen. Really.”

“I’m sure he’ll still come around.” Makedon tries to suggest. “I mean, this is the only actual fight you guys have had aside from your mean back and forth with each other when you met. Would he really break up with you over one mistake?”

“It wasn’t a mistake.” Damen swallows. “I said what I said and I didn’t have to say it. I hurt him. I hurt him really bad.”

“He has to at least call you back eventually, doesn’t he? You guys have classes together.”

Damen gives a grim shake of his head and wipes his eyes for what feels like the thousandth time. “You don’t know him like I do.” 

*****

Damen is the first one to their shared class on monday, leaving Laurent’s seat empty next to him and watching over his shoulder as each student enters the lecture hall. Laurent is almost always the first one there, but this time, he’s almost two minutes late, the very last person to enter and he takes a seat in the far corner of the back row. 

Damen’s stomach clenches, trying to make eye contact with him, but Laurent just pulls out a notebook and keeps his eyes focused on the professor at the front of the room, his gaze never diverting. Even from a distance, he looks tired. Damen imagines he doesn’t look much better himself.

At the end of class, he tries to make a beeline for him, but Laurent is out the door with the crowd not a second after the professor signals their dismissal. 

Outside the lecture hall, Damen searches for the familiar head of golden blonde hair, but there’s none to be found. 

He goes to Laurent’s favorite study spot, a secluded corner tucked away on the top floor of the library, but his place is empty and untouched. He checks the campus coffee shop, the book store, all the places Laurent likes to frequent after class, but still — nothing. 

Damen’s chest aches as he resigns and begins the walk to his next class. Laurent must have just gone home. He’s considered showing up at his apartment, but he knows it’s too soon. If he gets desperate, he may show up at his door with all the flowers his arms can carry… 

It’s one thing if Laurent wants to be done with him, but Damen’s worried sick. Laurent shouldn’t be by himself. He has nightmares and panic attacks and Damen was only just starting to warm him up to the idea of seeing a therapist. It makes his heart ache thinking of Laurent being on his own again after everything they’ve shared with each other… There’s no one else to comfort him. 

Damen shows up to their shared classes early every single day in the hopes of catching Laurent, but each time, Laurent arrives last and sits far away, leaving as soon as class ends before Damen can catch him. He still hasn’t returned a single call or text. 

A week goes by and sometimes Laurent doesn’t come to class at all. When he does and Damen catches glimpses of him, he can see dark circles under his eyes and he looks even skinnier than usual. Is he eating? Is he getting any sleep at all? Is he able to study or has Damen hurt him so bad, he can’t focus? He nearly pukes at the idea of Laurent losing his scholarship all because of him. Each time he thinks of all the pain Laurent’s endured and the fact that he’s added a whole new wound to the repertoire, he finds himself close to crying. 

At night, he does. Alone in his room and clutching his phone in the hopes it will buzz with something, anything from Laurent. He sleeps with the ringer on, refusing to change his home screen photo of Laurent kissing him on the sidelines of one of his best football games, his foot adorably raised off the grass as Damen holds his waist. It’s his favorite photo of them, the first time Laurent had given in to coming to see him play. 

Nikandros and Makedon check in on him, but Damen can’t bring himself to do much more than go to class and search for Laurent. 

If Laurent manages to avoid him all through to winter break, Damen doesn’t know what he’ll do. The thought of Laurent alone on Christmas after all the plans they crafted, the promises that Damen made him.

He can’t let that happen. He might have fucked up. He might have hurt Laurent beyond repair, but he’ll be damned if he lets him be alone again. He won’t do it. 

Laurent can hate his guts, but Damen loves him too much to let him waste away. 

******

The first few nights, Laurent tosses and turns, but he gets through them. The sadness is exhausting, along with forcing himself to keep up with his schoolwork. Going to class is a physical challenge, enduring the stomachache that comes along with seeing the horribly guilty way Damen looks at him from down in the front row each day. 

Then the nightmares come back. 

He’s alone again, a child, cold hands in the dark forcing his legs apart, touching him in places that make him beg for it to stop, sobbing as his own body betrays him and gives his uncle the physical reactions he uses to justify it. 

See? You like that, don’t you Laurent? Don’t lie to your dear uncle… This here doesn’t lie, you filthy little-

“Damen!” Laurent gasps when he jolts awake, soaked in sweat and trembling as he reaches out on instinct for the usual comfort of his lover beside him only to find an empty mattress. Fuck. 

Fuck, fuck. Laurent’s mouth quivers as he runs his hands over the sheets, feeling their coldness. He’s by himself again. There’s no one in bed beside him, holding him and petting his hair. He can’t call Damen to come rushing over to spend the night with him when he’s scared. 

It’s just him and his hammering heartbeat, his breath that keeps coming and going too quick to properly fill his lungs. 

He searches for old muscle memory, lying on his back and staring awake to count ceiling tiles as he tries to force his breathing back to normal, tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes and running down his face as he counts wordlessly over and over again until he’s not shaking so hard. 

He hates himself for missing him. He hates that he wants to be held right now, even though the thought of Damen only brings back the feeling of utter betrayal he’d felt sitting at the top of the stairs. 

In the morning, he drags himself to class after a sleepless night, returning to his apartment immediately after lecture.

For two weeks, he makes it his routine. He sleeps maybe three hours a night, drags himself to class, then shuts himself back at home to study. He eats when he can, but his anxious stomach rejects most things. He’s losing weight.

When he goes to class next time around, Damen isn’t the first one there. He wanders in with the middle of the crowd, his usually radiant skin looking paler, his eyes pink like he’s just finished crying. 

After two weeks, Damen can’t possibly still this upset over him, can he? He isn’t even the one who got hurt. 

The more Laurent looks at his agonized ex-lover struggle to keep his head up during class, the more furious with himself he becomes. Two weeks and he still feels the instinct to comfort him, to ask to be comforted in turn. He doesn’t feel any better than he did the day he stormed out of the frat house, but it has to start fading eventually doesn’t it? 

He can hardly eat, hardly sleep, finals are just around the corner. 

Laurent doesn’t know how either of them can keep this up, but the pang in his chest lets him know he doesn’t have a choice. Damen hurt him deeply. Now he doesn’t know if he can ever see his face without feeling this ache. 

*****

It’s day sixteen when someone knocks on Laurent’s door. He’s sitting on the floor of his living room, leaning back against the couch with his books and notes spread around him, trying to cram as best he can for next week’s exams. 

His heart leaps at the knock, first just startled, then uncontrollably excited… then just panicked. Damen’s finally given up on hunting him down on campus and come straight to his apartment. 

He doesn’t have to answer the door. He was clear with Damen that he doesn’t want to speak to him again, that he doesn’t want to see him. When Damen knocks a second time, he has to squeeze his eyes shut. 

“Laurent?” A tired voice comes from the other side of the door. “I… I know you’re home. I know you probably hate me and you have every right to, but I just… I need to talk to you at least one. I’m so sorry. I need you to know how sorry I am and I’m really worried about you. You can cut me completely out of your life, but please just… tell me you’re okay?”

Laurent feels his heart twist in his chest as he stares at his front door. Damen’s voice is rough and ragged like he’s in the process of losing it.

“Please? I… I saw how you looked in class, I know you’re not sleeping and I know you’re not eating well either. You can kick me out, but I… I brought some of your favorite, if you’ll at least take it. I’m not leaving here.”

Laurent huffs and presses his palms to his eyes, exasperated. Why does Damen have to be so fucking kind all the time? Can’t he just be angry that Laurent broke up with him? Can’t he just tell him to fuck off and leave him alone and go drink off the edge with his frat buddies? Why does he have to care so much about him, no one else ever has. 

“Please, Laurent. I know you’re there.”

Knowing Damen, if Laurent doesn’t answer the door soon, his neighbors will start to complain any minute now. Fuck. 

Laurent pushes himself up on tired limbs, his stomach in knots as he approaches the front door and forces in a deep breath.

“I told you to leave me alone.” Laurent says tiredly when he answers the door. He knows putting on his usual facade is of no use with Damen. His eyes will give away how much he’s hurting, but that doesn’t mean he has to speak the truth out loud. 

Damen looks just as exhausted, his arms full of Laurent’s favorite things. There’s a takeout bag from the French place downtown, a box of his favorite tea, a small bouquet of half a dozen blue hydrangeas. “I… I didn’t know what to bring, I know I can’t make anything up to you with material things but I know you need to eat and that you’re trying to study and I saw the flowers on the way to pick up the food.” He looks at Laurent, helpless. “Can we please talk? Just for a minute.”

Laurent hardens his glare, but his stomach quietly rumbles. He hasn’t had a proper hot meal in ages, not having the will nor the energy to cook for himself. Damen likely won’t let him be until Laurent lets him speak at least once anyways. 

“A minute.” Laurent huffs, his shoulders sagging as he steps to the side to let Damen in.

He hates how comfortable Damen is in his life. Damen brushes right past him and sets the takeout on the kitchen counter with the box of tea before stretching up to open the cabinet above Laurent’s fridge. There, he takes out the lone flower vase and fills it with water from the sink, removing the plastic from around the bouquet to place them there.

Laurent shuts the door behind him and swallows hard when Damen turns to look at him. “Well?”

“Laurent, I’m sorry.” Damen says and he looks positively miserable. His soft brown eyes seem darker and his usually confident posture is slouched and tired. “I’m so sorry for what I did, it was stupid, and I made a shitty judgement call thinking I could get them off my back when I should have just kept my mouth shut.” His eyes start to water. “I swear I’ve never told them anything else you’ve shared with me. Never. I know how much you trusted me and I can’t forgive myself for hurting you like this.”

Laurent just scowls at the floor, his cheeks flushing pink. He hates being seen like this, like some wounded animal Damen accidentally struck down. He hates it because it’s true. He feels like a wounded animal. 

“Please… please, if there’s any chance I could earn your trust back, you don’t have to love me again like you did, but I just…” Damen gestures wildly in the air, searching for the words as his lips start to quiver. “I can’t imagine my life without you, Laurent. I know you can take care of yourself without me, but I’m worried sick every day we aren’t together and I… I miss you.” He swallows. “I miss you more than anything, it feels like grief.”

The admission sends another pang through Laurent’s chest. He’d thought the same thing. The pain of losing Damen, while it wasn’t exactly the same, it was reminiscent of losing his brother — the last person that Laurent had relied on. He misses him too… But allowing himself to get hurt this way a second time? He won’t survive it. 

“Have you… missed me?” Damen’s eyes beg as he takes a step closer. “Have you been okay?”

“Of course I haven’t been okay!” Laurent snaps, finally looking up to meet Damen’s eyes. “I trusted you. You’re the one who pursued me. I pushed you away again and again, but you kept insisting until you made me like you, then you got me to spread my legs just to go and brag to your friends about it, do you have any idea what that was like?” His eyes are welling with angry tears, but he doesn’t bother pushing them back. 

“I was surviving on my own, then you made me rely on you. You made me get used to you, you made me…” he stops and takes a breath, squeezing his eyes shut and hugging himself tight. “I have never, ever let someone touch me since him.” He swallows hard. “I know I… implied that there were maybe others, but there weren’t. You’re the only person I let in.” Laurent feels his voice get quieter as he speaks, his lips quivering and the sadness blooming in his chest to overtake his anger. “And when you made love to me, I thought I couldn’t even imagine being hurt by you.”

“Laurent…” Damen steps closer, close enough he could pull Laurent into a hug if he wanted to. Laurent doesn’t step back. “You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. I’m so sorry, I swear I never meant to hurt you. Please tell me you know that. You know me, I would never hurt you on purpose, I…” He trails off and scrubs a hand over his face, sniffling. “I love you. I would do anything for you to trust me again.”

Laurent’s chest aches. They’re standing so close together. His muscle memory tells him to take that last step forward, to fall into Damen’s arms and let himself fall apart, knowing Damen will put him back together again. 

“You don’t have to be alone again.” Damen says, softly. “Laurent, if you’ll just let me into your life, I’ll never hurt you again. I won’t let anything else hurt you, I know you don’t need my protection, but if I’m not by your side-“

“Shut up.” Laurent’s voice cracks and he presses a hand to his lips to keep any further sound from escaping before he can swallow it down. “I… I don’t…” He hiccups. 

You don’t have to be alone again. He doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t want to spend Christmas by himself and sleep on his own. He wants to wake up to Damen’s shitty breakfast again and spend hours with him just drinking coffee and talking. 

“It’s been horrible.” Laurent finally croaks. “I’ve been having nightmares every night and I kept reaching out for you, but you weren’t…” He makes a fluttery motion with his hand. “I was just…” Before he can protest, a pair of strong arms are wrapping around him, pulling him close against a firm chest and a shoulder Laurent’s face tucks into perfectly. 

The grip tightens when Laurent’s knees wobble and his will crumbles. Damen’s scent, his stupid two in one shampoo and body wash, his flowery deodorant, his arms secure around him, he can’t.

“Damen.” Laurent cries, a sob bubbling up from his throat before he can stop it as his body acts on its own accord. His arms fling around Damen’s neck, holding on to him for dear life, like this may disappear if he dares let go of it again. 

“I’m so sorry.” Damen murmurs to him. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I love you so much, I swear, I love you, Laurent.”

Laurent doesn’t say a word, just holds on tight and cries into Damen’s shoulder. He doesn’t know exactly what he’s crying for — the guilt of giving in to his desire to have Damen in his life again, the relief of knowing they still love each other. He feels weak. He feels embarrassed, but he can’t bring himself to let go of Damen. He doesn’t want to. He wants to hold on to him forever even if he thinks he shouldn’t.

“It’s okay.” Damen coos, rubbing his back. “It’s all okay. I’m right here, I’ve got you.”

“Damen.” Laurent hiccups, finally lifting his head and sniffling. “I… I did miss you, I was just so…”

“I know.” Damen nods, his eyes wet, but kind as ever. Laurent has never been able to keep from melting in front of them, not since the first time Damen held his hand. “I hurt you.”

Laurent nods, looking away again. 

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” He gulps, his eyes wandering to the fresh flowers on the counter. On their first Valentine's Day together, Damen had given him these and Laurent had been shocked that Damen guessed his favorite flower despite having never been told. “I shouldn’t have cut you off like I did, I just… I don’t know how else to protect myself.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Damen says, letting go of his waist to push his hair back behind his ears. “And if you’re not ready to go back to how things were, that’s okay too. I’m here no matter how you want me.”

“I don’t want to go back to the start.” Laurent shakes his head, looking back up at Damen. He can allow himself this. This one precious thing in the world that he just simply wants. He can have this if he’ll only let himself. “I want you to kiss me.”

Before Laurent can even register the motion, Damen hooks his arms around his thighs and lifts him onto the kitchen counter, standing between his parted knees and kissing him so hard, Laurent feels the wind knocked out of him. 

He whimpers helplessly against Damen’s lips, wrapping his arms around his broad shoulders and opening his mouth to invite him in. 

They can say so much to one another in a kiss. In the brush of Damen’s tongue and the press of his lips, Laurent feels how much he missed him, how desperate he’d been to make things right. He feels the love between them, so strong and deep that even his years of cultivated self control can’t deny it any more. 

Damen’s hand rests on the small of his back, arching him as the other slides into his hair, holding the back of his head as they kiss. 

Laurent is breathless when they part, his face flushed and his pants a little tight as he holds on to Damen’s shoulders. Part of him wants Damen to fuck him right here in the kitchen, but his tender heart warns him to slow things down. 

He tilts his head and sighs, half in relief and half in pleasure as Damen’s warm wet mouth trails kisses and gentle bites up his neck. A hot tongue intrudes on his ear, teeth nipping at the lobe and Laurent has to bite his lip. Damen knows him so well — too well, if this reunion has taught him anything. 

“Damen.” Laurent breathes, keeping his head tilted, unable to resist an onslaught of gentle kisses to his collarbone.

“Yes?”

“I… I don’t want to have sex just yet.”

“That’s okay.” Damen says, looking up and pressing a chaste kiss to Laurent’s lips instead. “What can I do for you?”

Laurent looks at the bags beneath Damen’s eyes and considers the soreness of his own. He’s been so tired… He knows what they both need.

“Come to bed with me.” Laurent says, running a hand through Damen’s disheveled curls. “Take your jeans off and just… hold me for a while. We haven’t rested in God knows how long.”

“Say no more.” Damen smiles, offering his hand to Laurent to help him down from the counter before following him to his bedroom.

Laurent’s heart doesn’t sink when he remembers the guitar under the bed this time. He’s excited again, eager for Christmas to come for the first time since he was 12 years old. 

“Your room is still completely clean.” Damen chuckles, pulling his t shirt off over the back of his head and pushing down his jeans.

Laurent smiles a little. His heart still feels raw and he knows his anxiety about what happened won’t disappear overnight, but it’s… comforting, seeing Damen casually strip for a midday nap like they often do on weekends spent studying. He changes into some soft shorts from the dresser and pulls Damen to bed. 

“I missed this more than you can imagine.” Damen sighs when he pulls Laurent against him, holding him like a teddy bear as Laurent settles comfortably against his chest, his cheek resting just above his heart.

“I think I can imagine.” Laurent says with a deep breath as Damen pulls the covers over their shoulders. “It feels good to have you in my bed again.”

“I was terrified I’d never see your silk sheets again.” Damen teases, planting a loving kiss to the tip of Laurent’s head. “Get some sleep. I’ll help you study when you wake up, or whatever you want from me.”

“When we wake up, I’m devouring that takeout.”

“Sounds like a plan, Sweetheart.”

Sweetheart. Laurent blushes at the pet name and hides his smile in a kiss to Damen’s neck. He’s still embarrassed that Nikandros and Makedon of all people know how much he likes that sort of thing, but it feels good to hear again. He’d missed the sweet names Damen calls him in private. 

He closes his eyes without worry for the first time in two weeks, feeling the rise and fall of Damen’s chest until it lulls him into the most peaceful sleep he’s had all month. 

*****

Laurent wakes up to gentle fingers in his hair and soft kisses being pressed to his forehead. He relaxes instantly at the familiarity, blinking his eyes open to see Damen with his mussed up hair smiling down at him.

“Hey.” Damen says softly, pushing Laurent’s hair out of his eyes. “It’s dark out. I thought you might want to wake up and eat something.”

“I suppose I should.” Laurent sighs, settling back down on Damen’s chest anyways. He can feel Damen pressed against him between his legs and chuckles a little. “Sweet dreams, huh?”

Damen’s cheeks flash pink. “Sorry, I’m not trying anything, I swear, I think uh… I think it’s just happy to see you again.”

Laurent rolls his eyes, but presses a few lazy kisses to Damen’s neck again. Before they started having real sex, Laurent would still spend the night frequently. They’d wake up like this often and make out for a little bit, grind together until they came still clothed. He feels unsure about letting Damen fuck him again so soon, but he had missed the physical intimacy. Missing it had made him feel awful and dirty with the frequency of his nightmares, but being pressed up against this like Damen again is reminding him of how good it feels when he’s with someone he loves. 

“Come here.” Laurent says, his voice soft and low as he takes Damen’s shoulders and rolls their position, lying on his back with Damen over him. “I think I need time before I let you fuck me again.”

“I understand.”

Of course he does. “But…” Laurent cants his hips upwards and watches Damen’s eyes flutter shut at the friction. “I missed you too.”

“Is this what you want?” Damen asks as he hikes Laurent’s leg up over his hip and grinds down experimentally, pressing the bulge of his cock against Laurent’s through the layers of their underwear and Laurent’s small cotton shorts.

“Yes.” Laurent sighs. “I might even argue you owe me a good orgasm or two after all this.”

“That can be arranged.” Damen grins, leaning down to nuzzle their noses together as he gently rocks back and forth. “Turn your head for me, sweetheart.”

Laurent preens and arches his back as he obeys, letting out a soft breath of pleasure as they rub together under the blankets and Damen’s warm mouth once again lavishes his neck in attention.

Over the past several months, even before they worked up to penetrative sex, Damen has gotten to intimately know Laurent’s erogenous zones. His neck is his kryptonite. Damen’s the only one to have ever kissed him there and Laurent found that his skin was incredibly sensitive, his control always faltering when Damen licked, kissed, and sucked on his neck or collarbone. His ears were just as willbreaking, Laurent’s mouth always falling helplessly open when Damen pays them attention. 

Sometimes, Laurent will wrap his arms around Damen’s shoulders and hold him there, urging him to suck on all of his most sensitive spots while they fucked or grinded together all the way until he came. Needless to say, he’d added a lot of turtlenecks to his wardrobe. 

“Damen.” Laurent gasps at the sensation of a hot tongue around his ear, one of his hands pushing into Damen’s curls to encourage him. 

“Laurent.” Damen echoes, pressing his hips down and rolling against Laurent at a heavenly angle that makes him moan quietly underneath him. 

It shouldn’t feel like enough, but it does. Laurent feels himself hard and wet through his clothes, already close to coming just from a little friction and Damen’s attentive mouth. 

There’s one more erogenous zone Damen enjoys taking advantage of. It was another thing Laurent had at first tried to stifle his reaction to, but when Damen senses even the slightest arousal in response to something, he pounces on it. 

“Come here, baby.” Damen mumbles against his skin, sliding one hand up Laurent’s shirt to gently pinch and play with one of Laurent’s nipples.

He doesn’t know why he’s so sensitive there, or why he likes it so much, but Laurent whimpers and jerks up into Damen’s touch almost instantly.

“Does that feel good?”

Laurent gives a desperate nod.

Damen puts his tongue back to work, using it to soothe the bruises and love marks he’s already left as he starts to rock back and forth against Laurent a little faster. 

Now is the time when Damen would usually talk more, tell Laurent what a good boy he is, how badly he wants to see him come. Laurent suspects Damen is holding back on that bit so as not to embarrass him, but he doesn’t know if he’s relieved or disappointed about it.

As their motions under the sheets get more frantic and Laurent’s body starts to tense up in anticipation, Damen leans in close to whisper to him, the breath against his ear making him shiver. “Come for me, Laurent.”

Despite his defiant nature, this is one command Laurent is privy to obeying, gasping and moaning out a string of swears as he grinds with Damen and comes hard into the fabric of his underwear. 

Damen comes with him, kissing Laurent’s lips in between low groans of his name. 

By the time they’re done, Laurent can feel the wet spots on both their groins and peels himself away from the bed. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He says breathlessly, his face flushed and his knees wobbly with aftershocks as he leaves for the adjoined bathroom.

Lately, he’d usually stay in bed with Damen to bask in the afterglow for a few minutes at least, but it’s been a while since they’ve both gotten off with their clothes on.

He crinkles his nose at himself as he slips out of the soiled shorts and underwear, depositing them in the laundry basket to be dealt with later before cleaning himself up.

In the mirror, he looks even more ravished than he feels. His neck is practically splattered in light purple bruises, pink patches of skin where Damen had nipped, and a bite mark on his shoulder. He shivers at the memory of all those sensations. 

His hair is an absolute wreck. Granted, he’d already neglected it quite a bit this week, hiding knots more than dealing with them, but now it’s a true birds nest.

Laurent wets a washcloth with warm water and steps back out into the bedroom, handing it to Damen and tossing his boxers into the hamper for him. He takes some of the spare pajama pants of Damen’s from the bottom drawer of his dresser, a drawer he’d been dreading cleaning out, and tosses them his way as well.

“Thanks.” Damen says, standing up and sliding into them before he pulls Laurent in again for a silly kiss on the tip of his nose. “You need to eat.”

“I will.” Laurent shrugs. “And you’re… staying?”

“As long as you’ll have me.” Damen reaches out and curls a lock of Laurent’s hair around his finger. “Why don’t you get settled on the floor with your food in the living room? I’ll put something on and brush your hair out.”

“Really?” Laurent’s hand flies subconsciously to the back of his head where he knows a serious rats nest awaits attending. He hasn’t conditioned properly in days and with all the wind… 

“Sure.” Damen shrugs with a smile. 

“Okay.” Laurent squints at him a little. “Only because I’m still pissed at you a little bit. If you pull my hair, you’re sleeping on the couch.”

“Fair terms.”

Laurent pulls on a pair of clean underwear from the dresser and changes t-shirts before leading Damen to the living room. He takes the takeout from the counter with a glass of water and settles on the floor in front of the couch with his legs folded, gathering up his books and papers and setting them aside for the moment. 

Damen sits behind him, hair brush in hand, and hands Laurent the remote. Another little quirks of his that only Damen is privy to, Laurent is a pretty consistent fan of Drag Race and the new episode has just started. Laurent knows it’s kind of silly, but he likes fashion and bitching people out, so really it’s right up his alley.

When he opens the take out box, Damen’s gotten him his favorite — a tomato mozzarella flatbread practically drenched in olive oil. Laurent almost moans when he bites into it.

“Good? I can heat it up for you.”

Laurent waved him off. “What’re you going to eat?”

“Don’t worry about me for now, I’ll find something later.” Damen says, bending down to kiss the top of his head. “Just eat and lean back a little, I’ll take care of your hair.”

Laurent blushes slightly. Washing his hair in the shower is one thing, but he doesn’t often let Damen do something like brush it out. Still, he supposes Damen owes him a bit after all this and it feels too good once Damen’s touching his hair to untangle what he can by hand. 

Laurent eats quietly and watches his show, sighing occasionally when Damen pets his hair, runs his fingers through a newly untangled section. By the time he’s finished the sandwich, Damen’s finished untangling his hair and he climbs up on the sofa to lie down with his head in Damen’s lap. He’s not subtle about what he wants, taking Damen’s hand and pushing it right back into his hair as he turns his attention to the TV. 

“It’s cute how much you like this.” Damen smiles, running his hands through the golden locks just how Laurent likes it. 

“You’re the same way about getting your back scratched.” Laurent chuckles, shutting his eyes and just enjoying the touch. He never gets sick of it no matter how long Damen keeps a hand in his hair. 

“You know if you want to spill any of my embarrassing sex habits to Nik and Makedon to even things out, you can.”

Laurent opens his eyes and cocks an eyebrow at him. 

“I mean.” Damen blushes. “It’d be fair.”

“Don’t tempt me. I know too much about you.” Laurent hums, although he wouldn’t be too adverse to poking a little fun at Damen in front of his nosy friends. They don’t indulge in it often, a little too uncomfortable for Laurent, but he’s pretty sure he’s the only one on Earth who knows Damen has a daddy kink. He saves it for extremely special occasions, only calling Damen the dirty nickname when he needs to… humble him a bit in the bedroom perhaps. If used sparingly, it’s like a magic word to make his boyfriend come on command.

Laurent eventually shuts his eyes again, let’s the TV fade into the background as he rests in Damen’s lap. The nap had helped, but he still hasn’t had a proper nights sleep in over a week and he’s spent every waking moment during the day on studying. He’ll catch up tomorrow on school work, right now he just… can’t bring himself to move from this place.

Some walls are still up. Laurent doesn’t trust Damen with the same unwavering confidence of three weeks ago, but he still does… trust him not to hurt him twice. Naive as it sounds, growing sleepy again with his head in Damen’s lap, he can’t give this up. He can’t let go of the only thing that’s made him feel loved since Auguste.

“Damen?” Laurent asks quietly as the show comes to an end. He didn’t even notice whoever was voted off. 

“Yes?” Damen answers, his brown eyes full of eagerness to please, to make things up to Laurent however he can. 

“Would you, um…” Laurent diverts his eyes and clears his throat. “It’s dark out already and I’m closer to campus than the frat house, you should just spend the night here.”

“Yeah?” Damen smiles and Laurent blushes, knowing he’s too prideful to just outright tell Damen he wants him badly to stay. “Did you burn all my clothes yet?”

“Thankfully that was only scheduled for tomorrow, so you’ll have something to wear in the morning.” Laurent chuckles, looking up at Damen and reaching up to curl a strand of his hair around his finger, letting it go to watch the curl of brown hair spring back into a coil. 

“I really, really missed you, Laurent.” Damen sighs, bending down to kiss Laurent’s forehead. “Do you… forgive me?”

Laurent squirms. “I don’t know.” He says, unable to find a more eloquent way to put it. It’s the truth — he doesn’t know. What Damen did to him had hurt so badly, but at the same time, he hates himself for it. Anyone else wouldn’t be offended in the slightest of what Damen had said… but on the other hand, Laurent had explained to him in no unclear terms what he needed to let him in intimately. 

Laurent sees the sadness in Damen’s eyes at the answer and sees how Damen tries to mask it as well, his soft brown eyes not breaking contact even when his shoulders slump in disappointment. 

“But I do still love you.” Laurent says and that’s the truth as well. “I can’t… help it. Forgiveness isn’t something very deep in my nature, just…” He takes a deep breath and sits himself up, turning to swing his legs into Damen’s lap instead and leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Give me some time. I want to be close to you, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to let you fuck me again yet.” He grimaces at the admission, knowing how absolutely fragile it makes him seem. Who wouldn’t want to have make up sex right now? But letting Damen fuck hum requires Laurent to feel so safe, so deeply in love with him, that all horrible past memories fall away. Trying to have sex that way with any apprehension will only end in a panic attack. 

“That’s okay.” Damen nods. “Is other stuff alright? I don’t care if you want me to go celibate, I just want to know where you’re at.”

“Other stuff is okay, just don’t spring anything on me.” Laurent rests his head on Damen’s shoulder and sighs. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m still angry with you. I’m not.”

“Are you sure? It would be okay if you were.”

“I’m sure.” Laurent nods, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Damen’s mouth. As badly as it had hurt, the logical part of his mind knows that Damen is human. He can’t expect absolute perfection, but he’s still allowed to be as hurt and upset as he needs to be when Damen betrays his trust. But his anger is gone by now, replaced by a weary sense of relief to have his lover back by his side. 

“Let’s go back to bed.” Damen smiles. “We could use the extra sleep.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final chapter!! Happy Valentines Day y'all

It’s the fastest Laurent has ever fallen asleep, secure in Damen’s arms, his guilt about caving in not powerful enough to overcome the unbelievable comfort of being spooned by a six foot teddy bear. 

His sleep is deep, but short lived. Despite his return to comfort, he finds himself young again in the dark, cold hands pushing into his pajamas, cries for  _ help _ and  _ stop, please, please stop _ going completely unheard. He feels the scruff of a beard against his neck, hot horrible breath, and then-

Laurent wakes himself with a jolt, his heart racing as he quickly turns over and nearly cries in relief at the sight. Damen is asleep beside him. 

“Damen?” Laurent croaks, his hand trembling as he shakes his shoulder. 

“Hm?” Damen blinks his eyes open, barely conscious for a moment until he registers the panicked look on Laurent’s pale face and sits himself up. “Hey.” He frowns, reaching out to cup Laurent’s cheek. “Hey, hey, it was just a dream.”

“I know.” Laurent hiccups. He sounds so utterly pathetic when he wakes up like this, but Damen’s been there to witness it so many times by now that he’s reconditioned himself not to be able to hide it. He feels nauseous and he knows he’s crying a little, but he can’t feel much besides the shaking. “I know, it just-”

“I know it feels real.” Damen murmurs, leaning back against the headboard of the bed and pulling Laurent against him. “Come here, I got you.”

Laurent takes a shuddery breath in and holds onto him tight, pressing his head into the crook of Damen’s neck as Damen hugs him close to his chest. He grounds himself the way Damen taught him to. First, he thinks about what he smells. He smells Damen’s deodorant and leftover cologne. He feels a bare chest and strong arms around him. He opens his eyes and lifts his head to see Damen’s concerned brown eyes staring back at him and then he finally releases some of the tension when Damen runs a hand through his hair. 

“You’re like a cat sometimes.” Damen smiles. “How we feeling?”

“A little better.” Laurent sighs, his eyes sore with tiredness, but he doesn’t want to close them again. “Could you… talk to me for a little bit?”

“Of course.” Damen murmurs, pressing a kiss to the top of Laurent’s head. “I’m so glad I can be here for you right now. It was killing me not being able to check on you at night.” He smooths his hand down Laurent’s back. “I couldn’t sleep either. I mean, even when we aren’t fighting, I can barely sleep anymore without you next to me.” He gives Laurent an affectionate squeeze to emphasize his point. “You’re always so warm in the winter.”

Laurent rolls his eyes. “Only because you grew up in Florida. You don’t  _ have _ winter.”

“Which is exactly why I need your boiling hot rage to keep me warm through the season.” 

“Anger does keep one quite warm.” Laurent remarks, smiling just a little bit as he takes another deep breath, relaxing further. 

“I missed having you in class. I didn’t realize how often you lean over to me with some bitchy remark about one thing or another, it was boring as hell without you there.” 

“Class was a little less… stimulating without you beside me.” Laurent admits. “Plus, I couldn’t make fun of you from all the way in the back row.”

“What a sacrifice.”

“You don’t know the half of it.” Laurent lets out half a laugh and lets his eyes close again, tugging the blanket up over his shoulders not really for himself, but because he knows Damen will get cold if he rolls away in his sleep. “Just… Keep talking please. Until I can fall back asleep.”

“Of course.” Damen whispers with another kiss to his forehead. “You’ll love to hear all the stupid shit Mak and Nik have been up to trying to fix this whole thing.”

Laurent chuckles. That, he would like to hear. 

*****

Over the next week, Laurent finds that Damen meant it when he said how hard he would try to rebuild Laurent’s trust. 

Damen drives him to campus to keep him out of the cold, walks him to class. When Laurent needs to be alone to focus and study, Damen brings him coffee and a sweet kiss on the cheek before leaving him for however long he needs to be alone.

He sleeps over almost every night. Laurent isn’t ready to go back to the frat house and his stomach tightens at the thought of walking past Damen’s friends again, but Damen doesn’t push him. They both know Laurent’s nightmares have become more frequent and Damen can’t stand to leave him alone as much as Laurent can’t stand to ask him to leave.

He hasn’t told him, but Laurent knows that Damen’s noticed he’s gotten more embarrassed again about the little things he enjoys. The pet names, the praise when they make out, the noises he makes when he’s aroused… His body is tense and it takes a long time to relax again. The whimpers he’d usually make against Damen’s lips are getting stuck in his throat. 

He feels shitty about it. They worked for a long time to make him comfortable in bed and now it feels like he’s lost so much progress. Laurent knows it’s not his own fault, but it hurts all the same.

Still, Damen encourages him just like he used to, determined not to let what he said taint the things that turn Laurent on. 

It’s the night before Laurent’s easiest final. He’s studied plenty and feels perfectly fine about his chances, so when Damen pulls him into his lap on the sofa, he allows it. 

“You’re so warm.” Damen smiles, his hand smoothing up Laurent’s back underneath his sweater. “Try to relax a little for me. It’s just us here.”

“I know.” Laurent sighs, only a hint of resentment in his voice. He presses his lips against Damen’s and tries to stop thinking, arching his back against Damen’s touch, relishing in the taste of his tongue. He’s hard, but he doesn’t want to be touched yet. He wants to enjoy this part like he usually does. 

“Can I take your sweater off?” Damen asks, tugging at the hem until Laurent nods and lifts his arms. 

As soon as the barrier of fabric is removed, Damen pulls Laurent in closer and attaches his mouth to the most sensitive part of Laurent’s neck, suckling on it so sweetly as one hand follows the curve of his back and another slides up to toy with one of Laurent’s nipples. 

“Damen.” Laurent groans, the first proper noise he’s made all day as he wraps his arms around Damen’s shoulders to keep him in place. “Harder.”

Damen lets out a low growl and bites at his neck a few times, licking over each mark he leaves behind

“Fuck.” Laurent quivers, his face burning hot from the onslaught of hot kisses and sucking on his pale skin. 

Damen dips his hand down, cupping the inside of Laurent’s thigh to ask for permission. 

“Yes.” Laurent breathes, pushing his fingers into Damen’s hair, holding the back of his head.

“Don’t hold back, baby. Tell me how it feels.” Damen murmurs, a trail of sweet kisses over Laurent’s jaw as he unbuttons his jeans and pushes a hand inside.

A whine rises in Laurent’s throat, but he swallows it instinctively, twitching quietly in Damen’s lap as thick fingers wrap around his cock.

“Let me hear you.”

“I can’t.” Laurent bites hard on his lower lip as Damen licks up his jugular.

“No one will know, but me.” Damen hushes, nuzzling their noses together. “I know I broke that promise once, but I swear this is just us. I want you to be yourself with me, I want to make you feel good.”

Laurent shivers, feeling Damen’s hand pull his cock out into the open air and he gives in to the moan that bubbles from his mouth, tipping his head back and shutting his eyes as Damen expertly teases the oversensitive head of his dick.

“That’s it.” Damen coaxes. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” His voice is soft as he nips at Laurent’s ear, whispering into it to send shivers down Laurent’s spine. “I love you so much, I would touch you all day if I could.”

“You’re corny.” Laurent breathes, his face flushed as Damen’s tongue continues to lavish his neck in the affection he loves so much. 

“You make me corny.” Damen laughs, pressing a series of sweet chaste kisses over Laurent’s cheeks. “Can I make you come like this, Sweetheart?”

The sound of the pet name goes right to his cock and Laurent groans a ‘yes’ as he slumps forward to hide his face against Damen’s shoulder. He’s so hard and slick in Damen’s fist, his breath shallow and his cheeks on fire as he rocks his hips back and forth to meet with Damen’s hand. Can he really trust that Damen won’t go home and tell his friends about this tomorrow? That he won’t brag to Nikandros and Makedon about how Laurent whimpers for him, how his cock jumps at the word  _ sweetheart? _

“I promise you’re safe with me.” Damen soothes, slowing down his strokes for a moment as if he’d read Laurent’s mind. “I won’t share a word if I could just be lucky enough to see you in pleasure again.”

“I want to trust you, I just…” Laurent lifts his head and shudders. “You feel so good, Damen. It’s hard to let myself have this and after what happened…”

“I know it’ll take time to feel safe with me again.” Damen nods, his eyes looking horribly sad as he strokes Laurent in gentle, loving motions. “Give me a chance to prove it to you. Let me do all the things you love that you’ve only shown to me.”

“Like?” Laurent blushes as Damen leans in close and kisses over his ear. 

“I’m the only person who knows what a good boy you can be.” He whispers, his voice kind, but low at the same time. It makes Laurent tremble. “You’re so good for me. I love your pretty little cock and your tits and your neck.” Damen moans as he sucks yet another bruise onto Laurent’s collar. “I’m the only one who gets to see you come. You’re so gorgeous when you come, sweetheart. I wish I could make you feel like that every single day, I want to-“

“ _ Damen!” _ Laurent squeaks, clamping a hand over his mouth as his orgasm takes him by surprise. He can’t help the long moan he releases, his body reverting to its old muscle memory of just a few weeks ago, crying out in pleasure whenever Damen brought him to climax. 

“Good boy, just like that, baby.” Damen coos as he holds Laurent close and strokes him through it, kissing his cheeks, his forehead, his hair, whatever’s closest to him as Laurent comes between them over Damen’s shirt. 

“I’m sorry, I…” Laurent blinks his eyes and shivers, twitching a little bit with the aftershocks as he begins to come down. How does Damen make him come so hard with just a hand job? He had planned on taking Damen’s shirt off some time soon, so as not to make so much of a mess, but… “I couldn’t help it.” He blushes because it’s true. Like it was before, he lost complete control of himself and his composure once Damen worked him up enough. 

“Don’t be sorry.” Damen smiles, wiping his hand on the same shirt, so he can cup Laurent’s face in his hands. “Do you feel good?”

Laurent glances off to the side. “It was good… I missed hearing you talk to me like that.”

“And I missed talking to you that way.” Damen chuckles, bringing Laurent’s face back in for a soft kiss. “Don’t worry about taking care of me, I just wanted to touch you.”

“Thanks.” Laurent swallows. He’d usually get on his knees at this point, but he hasn’t been able to do that for Damen again quite yet. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“After what you told your friends… I’m sure they put two and two together.” Laurent swallows hard, his loose limbs beginning to tense again as he looks into Damen’s eyes for the truth. “Do they know what happened to me?”

“Not in any specific terms at all, no.” Damen answers honestly, but there’s guilt in his eyes as he reaches up to brush Laurent’s hair back behind his ear. “But they did guess that you have probably been through something traumatic… sexually. I didn’t confirm or deny a single thing and they dropped it when I told them to.”

Laurent nods. “And you told them how I like it when you praise me and… and how I get when you tell me I’m good.”

“Yeah.” Damen winces. “I’m sorry, Laurent, I-”

“You don’t need to keep apologizing, I just need to know something.” Laurent shifts in Damen’s lap to get comfortable again, his jeans still open and his softened cock still exposed. He feels vulnerable, but he’s challenging himself to sit in the feeling, to remember that he can be vulnerable with Damen. “Do you think your friends think I’m fucked up?”

“What?” Damen frowns. “What do you mean? They tease you for being kind of an asshole when you get all creative with the insults, but why would they think you’re fucked up?”

A lump rises in Laurent’s throat, but he swallows it, blinking quickly so his eyes don’t water. “Because I spent half my childhood being raped a-and now I…” His mouth wobbles. “Now I get off to you talking dirty to me and saying shit like ‘good boy’ and I like when we sometimes do that um…” He has to stop and steady his voice. “I like it when I indulge that Daddy kink you have sometimes. I like how it feels dirty and I-I like how much it turns you on. I like getting fucked by you and even getting on my knees for you most of the time. Anyone who knows what’s happened to me and what I like in bed at all has to think-”

“Laurent,  _ no _ .” Damen says, taking him immediately by the shoulders and looking him in the eye, his expression serious. “Hey. Look at me.” 

Laurent does, letting Damen see his watery eyes. He isn’t crying, but he is halfway there. Getting off with Damen lately has made him feel so raw afterwards, the admission had just come tumbling out. 

“You are  _ not _ fucked up.” Damen’s voice is stern, his gaze refusing to break from Laurent’s. “You went through a horrible,  _ horrible _ trauma and there is nothing wrong with absolutely anything that lets you reclaim sex for yourself. I don’t care what you like to be called, or what kinks you might have, I only care about making you feel safe and making you feel  _ good _ .” He brings one hand up to caress Laurent’s cheek, staring at him with so much worry, it makes Laurent feel guilty for an entirely different reason. “Do you think that about yourself?”

“I-I mean…” Laurent tries to look away, but Damen’s eyes are too difficult to break from. “When Uncle… W-When he… hurt me, he would always say awful things to me. He would tell me I was ugly a-and that I was a horrible nephew, that what he was doing to me was punishment even though he bragged about how I looked to his gross friends.” He can feel his lips tremble as he speaks. “But I know what people think about people like me. If they know I enjoy letting you fuck me and praise me like that, they’ll think I… th-that I enjoyed my own rape or something.” His voice cracks at the end of the sentence and he finally tears his eyes away to look down at his lap, sniffling as he quickly tucks himself away and rebuttons his pants, wanting to be covered again. 

Damen only continues to hold him close. “Laurent… Has that been going through your head all this time?”

Laurent stays quiet, but he knows that gives Damen his answer. 

“No one will think that about you, especially not the guys. I swear that to you, Laurent.” He leans forward and presses a long warm kiss to the center of his forehead, a simple gesture that always makes Laurent’s heart lift. “If anyone ever insinuated that  _ ever _ , I would beat the shit out of them you got that?” 

Laurent huffs out a laugh. “I could beat them up myself.”

“I know you could, but I would still punch absolutely anyone who said that kind of shit to you.”

“So you’ve never thought that I’m… strange for what I like?”

“Laurent, even if you were into stuff like roleplaying assault, it would  _ still be _ okay. Sex is a safe place with me. You can explore whatever you want and I’ll be right there with you. Nothing you do with me can ever compare to what happened to you because I would never try to hurt you.” Damen assures as he pulls Laurent into a hug and Laurent allows himself to be squeezed tight. “I’m so sorry I ever told anyone about what you like. I know you’re sick of hearing me apologize, but I would do anything in the world to take it back and make you feel completely safe with me again.”

“I do feel safe.” Laurent murmurs, pressing his face into Damen’s neck and kissing the warm olive skin he finds there. “I’m… having a hard time teaching my body to stop fighting it again, but I love you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose.” 

Damen doesn’t have to say anything at that point. He just hugs Laurent a little tighter and lets them sit in the melody of the silence. He rubs Laurent’s back a little bit and Laurent presses soft barely-there kisses against Damen’s neck until they’re ready to pull apart and look each other in the eye again. 

“I’m gonna go run a hot shower.” Damen says quietly, bringing a hand up to brush away the one tear that had escaped and begun to run down Laurent’s cheek. “I’d love for you to join me.”

“That… sounds nice.” Laurent breathes, rolling off of him, so Damen can get up.

Damen rises from the sofa and bends down to give Laurent’s head one final lingering kiss before he exits the room to prepare the shower for them. “And I love you too, Laurent.”

*****

In the shower, Laurent feels a little more… normal. Having gotten that lingering fear off his chest, he feels less weak for letting Damen wash his hair, enjoying his touch so much. 

Damen is holding him by the waist now, letting Laurent stand under the water as he leans in to kiss the water droplets from his lips. “Can I ask if you’re still okay with our plans for winter break? I’d understand if you maybe didn’t feel up to spending a month with me.” His eyes catch that sad look in them again and fuck, strong willed as he may be, Laurent hates to see him disappointed. 

“I’m not angry with you, Damen.” Laurent sighs. “I’m… regressed a tiny bit, but of course I want to stick to the plan.”

“Yeah?” Damen grins. “You sure?”

“Of course.” Laurent smiles back at him, stepping forward and letting Damen hug him against his bare chest. 

For winter break, Damen will be the only brother in his fraternity house not going home. They decided that together, they would decorate the house for Christmas, tree and everything, and Laurent would stay there with Damen for the entirety of the break. They’ll have the house to themselves for an entire month, complete with the fireplace that Damen had renovated from being used as a keg storage space. Laurent was actually afraid to let himself get too excited about it. He hasn’t had a real Christmas since his brother died and spending it with Damen makes his chest bloom with warmth. He doesn’t want to give that up.

“Maybe I should see your friends before they leave.” Laurent says as he reaches around Damen for the body wash, content to lather Damen’s muscled body with it, a simple pleasure that also guarantees Damen actually gets clean for once. “Just to uh… make sure they know I’ll still be around. I won’t be weird.”

“If you want to, yeah. That’d be great.” Damen says as Laurent’s careful fingers massage suds over his chest. “They really are sorry, I promise.”

“Well I don’t want them pitying me, so I’ll be my usual bitchy self I suppose.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Laurent moves his hands down Damen’s abs, over his hips, and blushes when Damen’s cock stiffens a little, still aroused from their escapades on the couch. The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks he needs to challenge himself a little bit to get back to normal. 

He brings his hands to Damen’s shoulders and pushes him back, pressing him against the tiled wall and giving him one soft kiss on the lips before descending downward to kneel in front of him. 

“Laurent.” Damen’s face flushes. “You don’t have to-”

“I want to.” Laurent says, taking Damen’s cock in his hand and looking up at him, defiant as he strokes it to full hardness. “I’m not angry with you anymore.”

“I know, but-”

“I  _ forgive _ you, okay?” Laurent huffs, exasperated as he leans in and suckles on the tip of Damen’s erection, relief washing over him as he realizes the act feels familiar, not triggering. Pleasuring Damen is nothing like being forced to his knees. In the past several weeks, he’s forgotten how much he’s learned to like it down here. He takes Damen’s hand and pushes it into his hair when he takes his mouth away. “If you’re good, I might just call you Daddy.”

*****

Laurent forces himself into seclusion for finals week, replying to Damen’s sappy texts now and then, so he doesn’t worry, but he has to admit he feels the absence almost immediately. He studies all day, in between each exam, stays up late at night in his bed with his books. Damen doesn’t have a particularly trying finals season this semester, so he’s free to distract Laurent with silly emojis and unsolicited nudes that Laurent… might enjoy a little bit more than he lets on. 

They’ve been so sequestered lately, Laurent forgot how much he’s come to enjoy dating a football player. While he thought Damen was an obnoxious brute at first, he knows now that he’s a teddy bear. But to the rest of campus, girls glare at him, as do some of the other gay men. It feels good when someone narrows their eyes at him and Laurent can pull Damen right into a possessive kiss just to make a point. 

He lets himself take a small break from studying to admire Damen’s most recent photo. He feels like a schoolgirl, saving pictures of a crush and imagining what it would be like to share Damen’s last name. It’s just moments like this that remind him that he has something half the campus would kill for. Damen’s naked form, strong thighs, thick cock, and all are for his eyes only. 

Laurent licks his lips as he stares at Damen’s chest, letting his eyes slowly meander downward to where his boyfriend is half hard for show. Maybe it won’t be so long until he wants to be fucked again. The stress of finals and all they’ve just been through? Laurent could definitely see the appeal of being fucked senseless right about now.

When he walks out of his last final the next day, it’s like a weight is lifted off his shoulders. The semester is done, he feels confident about how he performed, and now he’s allowing himself to again enjoy the guilty pleasures of being so embarrassingly in love with a boy named Damianos. 

Laurent hugs his coat around himself, intent on walking back to his apartment in the cold air when, as if summoned, Damen steps right out to meet him at the front doors. 

“Hey!” Damen grins, wearing only a letterman’s jacket for warmth. Laurent smiles, knowing he’s secretly freezing his ass off as he walks up to receive a warm hello kiss. “Sorry for stalking you, but I figured you’d want a ride home. How’d it go?”

“It went well.” Laurent nods, his expression cool while he secretly admires Damen’s rosy cheeks and slightly pink nose. It takes a lot for it to be noticeable on tan skin. “Aren’t you cold?”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.” Laurent chuckles, turning to lead the way to the nearest parking garage where Damen’s car no doubt awaits. He had actually really missed the car while they had been fighting. Not just because it got him out of walking everywhere, he doesn’t always mind that part, but it’s one of the few things he’s always longed to have. He can’t afford it, not until he’s well out of undergrad at least, but he loves driving, being driven. He likes to watch the world go by around him and he likes how he feels safe when Damen locks the doors and sucks on his neck, parked somewhere secluded and dimly lit.

It’s a short walk to the car, Laurent takes enough pity on Damen to hold his hand on the way there, offering him a little warmth. He’s not much for PDA at all, save for letting himself go a tiny bit at Damen’s parties — something he’s now unduly self conscious about again — but he likes how it feels to be seen on Damen’s arm, letting people know not just who he’s with, but who he is. He’s the guy who made one of the university’s star football players court him for weeks and weeks before so much as kissing him. He’s the guy that Damen was willing to wait for.

Inside the car, Damen gives into his shivering, cranking the heat and sighing in relief as he leans back in the driver's seat. “I may have been  _ slightly _ chilly out there.”

“You’re a fragile boy in the winter. What would your teammates say if they saw you shivering in the car, your poor boyfriend having to warm you up?” Laurent teases him as he leans over to give Damen half a hug, pressing a few warm kisses up his neck to soothe the cool skin. 

“They’d give me shit and then I’d say that poor boyfriend of mine is  _ plenty _ enough to keep a guy warm.” Damen nuzzles their noses together to tilt Laurent’s face up before kissing him properly, warm but chapped lips against Laurent’s own. Laurent sighs right into the comfort of it. “You seem so much less tense today.” Damen smiles, reaching up to push Laurent’s hair back behind his ears. “Where do you want to go?”

“Well… it is Friday.” Laurent says, schooling his expression as he stares off to the side, monitoring Damen in his peripheral vision for reaction. Every Friday, Damen’s frat brothers typically went out partying or crashed early — depending on the week they’d had — and they would have a bit of a date night in the den of the frat house with its enormous TV and cushy sofa.

“You want to come back to my place?”

“If you think it wouldn’t be… uncomfortable.” Laurent presses his lips into a straight line, wondering exactly what he’ll say to Nikandros and Makedon when they’re forced to interact. He’ll be seeing them out the door at the very least. 

“You don’t have to say a word to them if you don’t want to, but believe it or not, I think they miss you. No one roasts me quite like you do, I think they feel rather inadequate trying to make fun of me without you around.” Damen lets out a low laugh and releases Laurent to buckle his seatbelt. “You can say whatever you want.”

Laurent is quiet for the short drive to Damen’s house, chewing on his lip a bit as he anticipates the awkwardness, but he knows the sooner he rips the band aid off of seeing them again, the sooner it won’t be weird to come over anymore.

“You good?” Damen asks when he pulls into the driveway. 

“Fine.” Laurent shrugs, unbuckling his seatbelt and schooling his expression into its more typical apathy as he climbs out of the car. 

He walks behind Damen up to the house, his stomach a little uneasy as they enter the foyer. Immediately, they run into Damen’s friends heading out the door, both Nikandros and Makedon turning bright red at the sight of him.

“Do I look like a ghost?” Laurent raises an eyebrow. “You can rest easy, you haven’t scared me off for good.”

“Um…” Nikandros glances nervously at Damen, then again at Makedon. “Listen, Laurent, we’re um… we’re really sorry for being assholes, we didn’t mean-“

“Save it.” Laurent dismisses them with a wave of his hand. “I’m sure you are, but I really don’t care anymore. We can pretend it never happened.” He turns and smiles up at Damen. “However, as revenge, I  _ am  _ entitled to tell you that your friend here bent me over that beloved foosball table of yours. Enjoy.” 

“Laurent!” Damen squeaks, his face pink as Laurent brushes past him to get settled in the living room. “You didn’t say you were gonna out me about the foosball incident!”

“Bro!  _ Why? _ ” Makedon laments. “The foosball table is  _ sacred,  _ you can’t just…” He waves his hands around. “You can’t just fuck your boyfriend on it.”

“Moment of weakness?”

Nikandros just shakes his head and laughs as he pushes past Damen to get to the front door. “We’re heading out for the night. Enjoy your date night, no public sex.”

“Oh my god.” Damen groans as Makedon makes a gagging sound and follows Nikandros out the front door.

“No fucking on our ping pong table while we’re gone!” Nikandros calls out before Damen shuts the door behind them and locks it. 

“You were right, that was fun.” Laurent smiles, already sprawled out on the couch as his pink faced boyfriend approaches. “I didn’t go too far, did I?”

“No, it was pretty funny.” Damen chuckles, letting Laurent lift his head, so Damen can sit down and pillow if in his lap. “You feel better?”

“Mm, I do now.” Laurent sighs as Damen cards his fingers through his hair. “I did miss this couch.”

“Well the house is all ours for the next few hours at the very least. If you want to get cozy in your pajamas and all that, no one would see you.”

“You still have my clothes upstairs?” Laurent smiles.

“Of course I do. I practically spent every night you were gone sleeping with your shirts. You should have everything you need if you want to, uh… spend the night?” 

“I’d like that.” Laurent props himself up on one elbow and pulls Damen down by his shirt collar into another kiss. He’d never thought about how easy it could be to poke fun about sex, especially to Damen’s friends. It kind of makes their whole fight over Damen’s remarks feel less serious. 

Laurent licks into Damen’s mouth with his usual slowness, humming pleasantly against his lips as he pushes his free hand up the back of Damen’s neck into his hair to hold him in place. “When will everyone be gone by?”

“Two days from now.” Damen breathes, his face still flushed from the kiss. 

“Good, I’m eager to whip some holiday spirit into this place.” Laurent laughs, pressing another small kiss to the tip of Damen’s nose. “I’m going to get my pajamas on, why don’t you pour us some wine while I’m gone?”

“Really?” Damen raises an eyebrow. “You want to drink tonight?”

“Just a little bit.” Laurent blushes. “Just with you.”

“I’ll pour you white, I know you prefer it.” Damen smiles before scootching out from under him to stand up from the couch. “Think about what movie you want to watch.”

“You never like what I pick.”

“Tonight’s all yours.” Damen chuckles as he walks off towards the kitchen. “Just no more French art cinema.”

Laurent tuts and rises from the couch, taking himself quickly upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes. It’s an unexpected relief to see Damen’s room again. Laurent finds his favorite pajamas right where he’d left them, his toothbrush still in Damen’s bathroom. 

He changes clothes, slipping into blue silk pajamas with a long sleeved button down he loves to be snuggled in — something he’ll never dare admit out loud. In the bathroom, he brushes his hair out to get rid of the frizz and knots of the day before tying it back in a low ponytail to keep it out of the way. Damen hadn’t even gotten rid of the hair ties he’d left by the sink.

Laurent almost blushes when he catches sight of himself in the mirror. Is this how comfortable he’s gotten with Damen? That he can be so purely domestic like this? Sure the pajamas are nice and well fitting, but with his hair back and face freshly washed, he’s not exactly dressed for date night. 

When he heads downstairs, it’s with a small anxious thought nagging at him — does Damen like seeing him like this? Should he be trying harder to keep his appearance up at all times like he did when they first started dating?

Damen answers his questions with warm eyes and a smile when he sees Laurent come down the stairs, two glasses of white wine waiting for them on the frat house’s poor excuse of a coffee table. “Hey, look at you.” He beams, walking over and pulling Laurent right into a hug. “You never get all comfy for the evening like this.”

“Too much?”

“Of course not, you’re adorable.” Damen says with a squeeze, pressing a warm kiss to the top of Laurent’s head. “I mean, you’ll throw on a big shirt or something to sleep with me most of the time, but this is just so  _ cute _ .”

“Alright.” Laurent rolls his eyes and forces himself to push Damen away. “Go change, you animal. I’ll find the movie.” He can’t believe how much he likes Damen calling him  _ cute _ . Christ, the break up has softened him. 

Once Damen returns, they settle on the couch together with the wine and a movie Laurent picks that Damen can follow. Snuggled in close under Damen’s arm, Laurent has a second glass and enjoys the warm dizziness of being slightly drunk in comfort. His clothes feel softer and Damen is so nice and warm beside him, Laurent could melt right into his side.

He doesn’t keep track of the movie, just drinks and enjoys Damen’s presence, the relief of their semester finally being over, their relationship once again secure.

“I love you.” Laurent mumbles, half asleep as he nuzzles his cheek against Damen’s shoulder. “You’re… a really good boyfriend, ‘m sorry I was kind of a bitch to you.”

“What?” Damen laughs, pushing the hair out of Laurent’s eyes. “You, my love, are drunk.”

“Say it back.” Laurent pouts, tugging childishly at the hem of Damen’s shirt.

“I love you too.” Damen chuckles. 

“You should fuck me on the foosball table again.” Laurent yawns. “It was fun last time.”

“I don’t think you’re quite coordinated enough for that right now.”

“Bitch, I can do a  _ split _ , what can  _ you _ do.” Laurent squints at him, pushing Damen playfully in his chest before the exposed skin of his neck distracts him and he finds himself helplessly leaning in to kiss it.

“You’re something else.”

“I’m Laurent.”

“Yes you are, baby.”

Laurent hums happily at the affirmation of his own name and suckles gently on Damen’s collar, licking the bruise he leaves before his head begins to feel heavy and he has to rest it on Damen’s shoulder again. 

The movie is long over and Laurent hears Damen click the TV off as he snuggles in closer. Wrapped up in his boyfriend's warmth like this, he doesn’t want to open his eyes again.

“Alrighty sleepy, I think we should get you to bed.”

“Nooo.” Laurent groans, wrapping an arm around Damen to keep him in place. “House to ourselves… you should fuck me.”

“You want the first time we do that again to be special, remember?” Damen says as he gently untangles himself from Laurent’s clumsy grip. “Come on. I’ll do whatever you want tomorrow.”

“But I wanna see you naked.” Laurent laments, wobbling when he stands up from the couch until Damen catches him. 

“You’ve got all the time in the world to see me naked.”

“But I want your dick now.” Laurent huffs, torn between how badly he wants to feel Damen inside of him right now and how much he also wants to fall asleep in his arms. 

“Maybe I’ll let you do  _ something _ if you let me get you upstairs.” Damen says, bending down to take Laurent by the back of his thighs and lifting him up with no visible effort.

Laurent squeaks when he’s lifted, but he still wraps his arms and legs around Damen instinctively.  _ God _ ,

Damen is strong. Laurent wants to be fucked against a wall with nothing but Damen holding him up. He also wants to be carried to bed though, his eyelids growing heavier by the second.

Damen carries him easily up the stairs, Laurent nuzzling his nose at his neck and kissing the skin there. 

“Down you go.” Damen teases as he sets Laurent down on the bed, bending over to kiss his forehead. “Stay here.”

“Where are you going?” Laurent frowns, reaching out to try and pull him into bed, but Damen lowers his hands. 

“I’ll be right back.” Damen disappears into the adjoined bathroom and returns after a minute, freshly shaved with a glass of water in his hand. “Drink up, you’ll be cranky all day if you’re hungover.”

Laurent downs the water in a few gulps and sets the glass on the side table, so he can make grabby hands up at Damen. “Clothes off.”

“You’re an insatiable drunk, you know that?” 

“ _ Pleaseee _ ?” Laurent whines. “You don’t have to have sex with me, but lemme see you.” He reaches out and pulls at Damen’s shirt for emphasis. 

“You’re ridiculous.” Damen says, but his smile is endearing as he pulls his shirt off over his head and drops his boxers. “You happy now?”

“A little bit.” Laurent grins as Damen slides into bed next to him under the covers. He lays over him as usual and plants a clumsy kiss on Damen’s lips, his hand wandering down his bare side, feeling how smooth the skin is and rubbing his thumb over the pronounced v-line. How does he ever get to sleep when Damen looks like  _ this? _ He dips his hand lower, eager to feel the familiar weight of Damen’s cock, but a hand bigger than his own catches his wrist.

“Uh uh. Not until tomorrow.” Damen teases, wrapping his arms around Laurent to restrict him a bit. “You’re going to fall asleep any second anyways.”

“Am not.” Laurent yawns, tucking his head into Damen’s neck. “You’re no fun.”

“You can tell me all about it in the morning.” Damen gives him one more squeeze and begins to stroke Laurent’s back under the covers.

Laurent purrs at the touch and shuts his eyes, letting Damen lull him to sleep. As much as he wants to wander his hands all over the warm body next to him, he’s too comfortable to move. “You win.” He mumbles. “G’night.”

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.” Damen chuckles. “Sweet dreams.”

*****

Damen stays up a while after Laurent falls asleep, trying to relish in the feeling of having him in his bed again. It feels like ages since Laurent has been comfortable enough with him to have a few drinks and he’d forgotten how adorably loose lipped and affectionate Laurent gets when he’s tipsy.

He strokes Laurent’s hair, smiling at how it glows in the fragments of moonlight that peek through his blinds. His eyes are finally becoming heavy enough to fall asleep when Laurent stirs in his arms. It’s just a twitch at first, nothing worth waking him for, but then Laurent’s face contorts and he clings to Damen tighter in his sleep.

“Hey, hey.” Damen whispers, gently shaking Laurent’s shoulder. “You’re having a bad dream, baby.” 

Laurent makes a strangled sound and Damen shakes him a little harder, just enough to wake him as quickly as possible. 

Laurent sits up with a gasp, his face frightened until Damen cups his face in his hand and turns Laurent towards him. “Damen?” Laurent breathes, his eyes still wide and his mouth trembling.

“Yeah, it’s me. I’ve got you, we’re in my room.” Damen whispers, smoothing Laurent’s hair back and tucking it behind his ear. “You okay?”

“I’m still a little…” Laurent hiccups and falls back into Damen’s chest. “Sorry, I haven’t slept here in awhile.” 

“It’s okay.” Damen soothes, kissing the top of Laurent’s head. “Bad one?”

Laurent gives a quiet nod. 

“Here, sit up with me.” Damen sits himself up first and lets Laurent get comfortable next to him, keeping one arm around his shoulders as he reaches across him towards the nightstand. “Here.” He says, handing Laurent the glass of water first and letting him drink before setting it back down and grabbing the TV remote. They don’t use the TV in his room too often, but for times like this when he knows Laurent shouldn’t go back to sleep yet, it comes in handy. “I couldn’t really sleep yet, will you stay up for a little bit?”

“Mhm.” Laurent gives another sleepy nod and rests his head on Damen’s shoulder to watch the TV. “You stay up too late.”

“I’m a night owl I guess.” Damen smiles, giving Laurent a squeeze and turning on National Geographic. Their tastes are a little… different to say the least, but nature is something they both like enough to watch quietly together. 

“Thanks for not making me all… embarrassed about this stuff.” Laurent mumbles. “It helps.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Damen says, expecting Laurent to look back at the TV, but instead he finds himself being pulled down into a kiss. Laurent kisses him so softly and sweetly, his lips like clouds as Damen shuts his eyes and revels in this moment of intimacy. Just as he thinks Laurent is pulling away, Laurent’s tongue is brushing into his mouth, still tasting a little like wine and Damen is coiling his arms around Laurent’s waist. 

Laurent kisses him slowly, lazily as his tongue slides against Damen’s and one of his hands comes up to rest on Damen’s cheek as he does it. It feels so wonderful to be kissed like this, something that Damen had feared he would never get to feel again. Laurent is tender and trusting, his whole self yielding to Damen in these vulnerable moments even when he’s the one taking the lead. 

When Laurent breaks the kiss, he’s looking right at Damen with those bright blue eyes, his expression soft, a look Damen only sees when they’re alone together. “I want to have sex again when everyone leaves for the holidays… real sex. I know that no matter what, you could never feel like him.” Laurent’s voice is quiet as he settles into Damen’s side once more and rests his head back on his shoulder. “I love you, Damen.”

Damen’s heart swells in his chest. Sure, Laurent is loosened with a little alcohol and the fright of his nightmare, but two love admissions from Laurent in one day? He sounds so earnest now, Damen could cry as he hugs Laurent close and presses a gentle kiss to his forehead in the hopes it may clear any bad dreams lingering in his lover’s mind. “I love you too, Laurent. More than anything.”

Laurent gives a pleased hum at this answer and pulls the blankets further up around them before his breath begins to even out with the closeness of sleep again. 

Damen lowers the volume and brightness of the TV but leaves it on in case the background noise helps Laurent, carefully resettling himself, so half-asleep Laurent is lying comfortably by his side. “Feel okay?”

“Mhm.” Laurent mumbles before sleep overtakes him again and Damen breathes a little easier.

He’ll have to find a way to get Laurent out for a little bit over the next few days. He wants to make this the best Christmas Laurent’s ever known and to do that, he’s got some halls to deck. 

*****

In the morning, Laurent makes an excuse about errands to run and leaves Damen’s bed, hungover, but sleepwarm and content. He wants to get a few more things for his stay with Damen over the holidays, a few small surprises. He’d saved up enough to account for adding a few more things to his Christmas spending. 

The first things are simple. He goes to the store and gets Damen a case of his favorite beer. It’s disgusting, but Damen likes it nevertheless. He gets eggnog too just for the fun of it, some hot chocolate to go along. 

Next comes the mall and his palms start to sweat. It’s something he wants to do and something he thinks Damen will really like, but it’s no less awkward as he swallows hard and walks into a lingerie boutique. He’s not entirely out of place. Amongst the other customers are mostly women, but a few men, a couple of them a little more on the feminine side that may also be buying for themselves.

He feels a little ridiculous, will he just look silly wearing this stuff? He just wants something special to surprise Damen with, show him that he really is comfortable again with him.

Laurent peers over the male selection with pink cheeks, skimming for something Damen will find sexy, but nothing too outlandish. He needs to feel confident in it, whatever he chooses. 

At the very end of the rack, something finally catches his eye — dark blue silken panties intended for men, so there’s, well, the necessary room. With them comes a single matching lace garter and his heart thumps at the image of himself in it. It’s special, but it’s not so far that he’ll feel like a freak putting it on.

His embarrassment doesn’t lessen when he checks out, but he pushes through to make the purchase and makes his way out of the mall with a discrete plastic bag and a small twinge of excitement. He can already picture how Damen will blush and then smile when Laurent reveals what he’s wearing.

He orders a ride back to his own apartment, packing a proper suitcase for a long stay over the holidays and taking the wrapped guitar from under the bed.

Luckily, Laurent beats Damen back to the frat house, so he stocks the fridge, hides the gift in the linen closet with a few other small presents, then stuffs the lingerie into the back of his drawer in Damen’s room just as he hears the car pull into the driveway. 

He hurries down the stairs to greet him, his chest warning when Damen walks through the door with boxes of Christmas lights in tow.

“Hey, you’re back.” Damen grins. “You want to help me decorate? I… went a little overboard.”

“There’s more?” Laurent raises an eyebrow.

“Do you think you could climb a ladder?”

Hm. Not exactly his field of expertise. “Probably.”

The next three hours are spent decking the halls, as Damen repeatedly calls it. Laurent allows Damen to lead him a few steps up a ladder to hang lights around the house, but he opts to just hold it when Damen climbs to stick a reindeer sign on the roof. 

He surprises Damen with eggnog and kisses the milk mustache off his lips, allowing himself to relish in every tacky and cheesy holiday activity Damen has for him. 

They string plastic greenery down the staircase, hang holly over the door to Damen’s room. Laurent can’t remember a time he enjoyed Christmas this much. Even his memories with Auguste have grown hazy, but this warm feeling he has spending a holiday with Damen? It’s completely new. 

Once they’ve used up all the decorations Damen brought home, Laurent changes into a warm sweater and gloves for their tree shopping excursion. 

There’s no snow, but the air is cold and crisp, biting through the fabric of his clothing as he walks with Damen through a refurbished parking lot full of trees. It’s cute how Damen is colder than he is, slinging an arm around his shoulders under the guise of keeping Laurent warm when he’s really the one in need of it.

Laurent’s cheeks turn pink at the easy way Damen shows affection in public. Campus is one thing, everyone knows who Damen is, but he’s surprised to find how natural it feels to hold Damen’s hand here, plant a chaste kiss on his cheek when they find the perfect tree. 

Damen shows him how to properly tie it on to the top of his car and while Laurent can’t lift much of the weight, he’s pretty good at knots. 

They haul the tree into the house together and prop it up in the living room near the fireplace. It’s dark inside by the time they’ve finished and Laurent leans lazily into Damen’s touch, still warm and fuzzy inside like after a glass of wine or rich hot chocolate. 

“Tired?” Damen smiles, nosing at Laurent’s neck as he holds his waist from behind. “We can worry about ornaments tomorrow.”

“Not tired, just… relaxed.” Laurent sighs, leaning his head to the side to allow Damen to kiss his neck instead. “You’re turning me soft.”

“You are soft.” Damen says with a squeeze of Laurent’s hips. “You’re sweet even if you try and hide it.” 

“Well you’re not allowed to tell anyone how weak I’ve gotten around you.” Laurent laughs a little and let’s his head loll back onto Damen’s shoulder, humming in content as Damen holds him close. “Does the fireplace really work?”

“Yeah, I got it going this morning. Want to see it?”

“I think I want you to fuck me by it.” Laurent sighs, his cheeks warming at the admission, but looking over at the carpet (thankfully cleaned by Damen) by the fire, he just wants to be laid out on it. Every moment with Damen today has made him feel so content, he just wants to feel him inside again. 

“Really?” Damen’s voice is lower. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah.” Laurent breathes, his heart pounding as he takes Damen’s hand on his hip and guides it over, pressing Damen’s palm down between his legs. The leggings he’s paired with the sweater are thin and Laurent bites his lip when Damen cups the bulge in his hand.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are.” Damen says in a quiet voice, his hand beginning to massage Laurent to hardness through the fabric. “You can tell me to stop if you want to.”

“I know.” Laurent turns in Damen’s arms to tug at the hem of his sweater and plant a heated kiss on his lips. “But I want this.” 

Within seconds, Damen bends to wrap his arms behind Laurent’s knees and lifts him up, Laurent laughing in surprise as Damen carries him further into the den, setting him down on the carpet before the fireplace. “Give me a minute to get the fire going. Don’t start without me.” He winks with a playful squeeze of Laurent’s thigh before he turns to take off the fire grate and stack the wood next to it inside. 

Laurent kicks his shoes off while he waits, squirming a little as he watches Damen quickly light the fire, a small flicker of a flame that slowly spreads to engulf the log at the center. “Such a boy scout setting up the fire.”

“Excuse you.” Damen retorts. “I was an Eagle Scout.”

Laurent chuckles and rolls onto his side to watch as Damen puts the fire grate back in place and admires his handiwork. 

“Give me just one second, baby.” Damen says and Laurent preens at the nickname when Damen kisses his cheek and rises.

Laurent watches as Damen shuts the curtains and locks the front door, his heart softening at the realization that Damen remembers what he needs not to feel anxious. He hears his heavy footsteps rushing up the stairs, then clambering back down until Damen re-emerges in the den, topless with a tube of lube in his hand.

“God, come here.” Damen breathes, dropping the lube on the carpet beside them as he gets down on all fours to cage Laurent in. 

Laurent leans up to meet him in a kiss, then stops halfway. What is he waiting for? This is the perfect time to show Damen the surprise he’d bought at the mall, while his confidence is up and the sex is special. “Wait!” He puts his hands on Damen’s shoulders to ease him back. “Wait here just one second, I forgot something.”

“Forgot what?” Damen pouts, rolling off of him, so Laurent can stand. 

“You’ll find out.” Laurent dismisses him quickly and makes a beeline for the stairs, climbing them quickly and running to dig his purchase out of the back of the dresser drawer. He undresses completely and slides into the silken blue panties before he can change his mind, sliding the garder up his leg to stay wrapped around his thigh. He takes one look in the mirror before heading down, assured that they fit him well, and he walks back into the den with a grin. 

Damen’s eyes light up the moment he sees him, his gaze flickering from Laurent’s hips, to his eyes, back to his hips again. He doesn’t need to say a word to assure Laurent he loves him and Laurent doesn’t need to say anything to explain why he bought them. 

Within moments, Laurent is back on the soft carpet with Damen over him and his legs spread obscenely wide underneath his lover’s hips.

Immediately, Laurent feels wet kisses being placed down his neck and he sighs when Damen sucks on the sensitive skin then works his way back up. When he tongues at his ear, Laurent gasps and throws his arms around Damen’s broad shoulders, helplessly reacting to one of his favorite parts of foreplay. His hips cant upwards when Damen nibbles on the lobe and his dick throbs with desire when a warm tongue licks down his neck again. Suddenly, he feels touched starved again, like hasn’t felt Damen in  _ ages _ even though they’ve been plenty intimate lately. He wants to be closer. He’s warm from the fire and Damen’s mouth on his skin, blushing furiously when Damen sits back to pull his sweater off, revealing how his nipples have already perked in anticipation. 

Laurent was highly self conscious of it when they first started to get physical, heated make out sessions and clothed orgasms. No matter how he ever tried to deny how aroused he was, the blush on his cheeks and the way his chest reacted gave him away each time.

“You’re so adorable.” Damen grins, rubbing his hand through Laurent’s now frizzy hair and kissing him deeply as he lowers him into his back again. “God, Laurent.”

“Damen.” Laurent pants before kissing him again, one of Damen’s hands now sliding up his side until he reaches his nipple, toying with the sensitive bud until Laurent is whimpering into his kisses.

Laurent curses himself for waiting this long. Why had he been denying himself? When he remembers what Damen did that hurt him so badly, he no longer feels a pain in his chest. He feels warmth and love, remembering all the ways Damen has made it up to him since, how completely safe he feels in his arms again. He deserves this. He’s allowed to  _ have _ this.

Laurent reaches between them and fumbles blindly to undo Damen’s belt, thumbing his jeans open and pushing the zipper down just enough. He slides his tongue over Damen’s lower lip as he pulls his cock out, stroking it a few times. Damen’s hard, the head already wet, and they’ve barely even started. 

“Laurent.” Damen breaks the kiss to groan. 

“Use your mouth.” Laurent commands in a broken voice, arching his back to emphasize his meaning. Damen is quick to catch on, keeping one hand stroking up and down Laurent’s side to stay close as he inches down and sucks a pert nipple into his mouth.

Laurent trembles, spreading his legs wider underneath him and moaning softly when Damen sucks and nibbles at the sensitive spot. He bites his lip hard when Damen’s second hand begins to pinch and play with the other one and feels a wet spot growing between his legs.  _ Fuck _ , Damen knows his body so well. He knows it  _ too  _ well, but Laurent is long passed denying that. 

“Lift your hips for me, sweetheart.”

Laurent’s heart leaps at the nickname and he obeys eagerly, lifting his hips so Damen can yank the delicate panties down and toss them away. He shivers at the cold air against his now naked form, but Damen is quick to lie over and kiss him again, spreading warmth over every inch of skin. He feels the warmth of the fire wash over him too as he wraps his arms around Damen’s shoulders and kisses him with a fervor. 

It feels good to have this place all to themselves. He’s always had to worry about one of Damen’s roommates overhearing or one of his neighbors through the paper thin walls, but now? There really is absolutely no one but Damen to hear him and see him, to touch him. It’s a euphoric type of freedom.

“Tell me what you want, baby.” Damen murmurs, nuzzling their noses together between kisses. “I promise I’m gonna fuck you so good, but tell me anything.”

Laurent feels butterflies in his stomach, but he swallows hard and leans in close to Damen’s ear. “I want you to suck me.” He says as confidently as he can manage, smiling when he takes his arms away and props himself on his elbows.

Damen makes quick work of traveling down Laurent’s body. He slides downward, stopping to lick over each nipple, kissing down Laurent’s abs to the fine blonde hair below them. 

“Damen.” Laurent arches, his head tipping back when he feels the wet heat of Damen’s mouth sinking down on him. Damen knows exactly how he likes it too. He takes the head first, tonguing and suckling, only to pull off and kiss down his length, suck a love mark onto the inside of his thigh. 

“I love you so much.” Damen breathes. “You have no idea.” He takes Laurent’s cock fully in his mouth before he has a chance to respond then, bobbing his head and humming until Laurent’s cries break free from his lips. 

“Damen, Damen,  _ fuck _ .” Laurent gasps, pushing his hand into his lover’s dark curls and tugging lightly in appreciation. “I won’t last if you-  _ ahh _ !” He stops and squirms, biting his lip hard to keep from losing himself too much. “I-If you blow me like that.”

“I just can’t help myself.” Damen says, smiling up at him with wet lips and Laurent can see that Damen has one hand between his own legs, stroking his dick in slow steady motions, so hard just from the pleasure of using his mouth on Laurent. “I want to try something with you. I think it’ll feel really good.”

“What do you mean?” Laurent tenses, his stomach tightening.

“Shh, shh, nothing crazy.” Damen is instant to comfort, reaching a hand out to cup Laurent’s cheek. “I want to use my mouth on you in a… different way.”

Laurent swallows. “How different?”

“Not very. I’ll stop right away if you hate it, but you’re  _ so _ sensitive, sweetheart. I think I can make you feel really good.” Damen smooths one strong hand up Laurent’s thigh to his hip. “Do you trust me?”

Laurent thinks for a minute. He doesn’t know what Damen plans to do to him and he’s embarrassed like he was at the beginning of their relationship, knowing he has an extreme deficit of sexual knowledge in comparison to Damen. But then he sees the soft brown eyes staring at him in anticipation, the tension in his body of having lost the stimulation of Damen’s mouth. “I do.”

“You just tell me if you don’t like it.” Damen grins, sitting back to give Laurent room. “Can you get on all fours? I can do it in a different position if you want.”

“Doggy style” is definitely not one of Laurent’s favorites, but more because of his anxiety surrounding it than the actual pleasure. He trusts Damen, he reminds himself. He trusts that what his boyfriend is planning will feel good for him, safe. 

Wordlessly, Laurent obeys, turning over onto all fours with his legs spread enough for his own comfort and for Damen’s access. Immediately, a warm hand palms over his ass, traveling up his back until Laurent keens into the touch. 

“Rest your head on your arms for me, get nice and comfortable.” Damen instructs in a kind tone, his hand still stroking Laurent’s back as he repositions himself accordingly, his ass seeming higher in the air with his head lowered to the carpet. “Good boy, look at you.”

Laurent shivers.  _ Fuck _ , the effect that has on him.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are, Laurent.” 

“I know I’m attractive, will you get on with whatever you have planned?” Laurent tries for an edge of his usual snipe, but his low voice and labored breathing don’t make him sound like he’s anything other than mind bogglingly aroused. 

“I’m getting there. Just close your eyes and relax, take deep breaths.”

Laurent sighs and shuts his eyes, chewing his lip as he feels Damen kissing the cleft of his ass, then each cheek. What is he up to? It’s probably just some prolonged foreplay for Damen to finger him open during, which is what he assumes is happening when strong hands spread him open. He expects a slick finger circling his rim, but what he feels instead is the simultaneously familiar and foreign sensation of Damen’s tongue pressing over his entrance. 

“Damen!” He squeaks, his face turning bright red at the noise as Damen’s tongue licks over him again, slowly, testing the waters. “What the fuck are you doing?” He gasps, pressing his forehead to folded arms and moaning helplessly when Damen begins to lick with a little more fervor.

Is this something people do? Is it considered gross, should Laurent be  _ feeling  _ gross? He feels like he should, but he’s not. He’s nervous and a little shocked, but it feels  _ incredible _ . He can feel his cock hanging heavy between his legs, leaking helplessly as Damen drags his tongue down his perineum. “I’m making a mess.” He croaks, embarrassed about dripping as much as he is, but his body is responding completely of its own volition to Damen’s mouth. 

“Don’t worry about it. Make one.” Damen says, smoothing one hand over Laurent’s ass and pressing a kiss to one cheek. “You like this?”

Laurent hesitates a moment then gives a humiliated nod, arching his back to raise his hips just a little further, a silent plea for more. 

“You’re so good for me.” Damen sighs before spreading him once again and Laurent melts entirely into pleasure. 

Damen’s tongue laps and pulses, nudges at his entrance and trails down to massage his perineum, lavish his balls in attention — something Laurent is  _ always _ too embarrassed to admit he loves. Only when Laurent’s body is taut with the right kind of tension, his face burning red, does Damen reach for the lube and slick his fingers. “Do you want to stay like this?”

Laurent nods again, biting his lip as slick fingers circle his entrance. The angle isn’t one they use often, so it feels awfully new when Damen pushes the digit inside of him, crooking it expertly to stimulate the heavenly sweet bundle of nerves inside him. Laurent moans before he can help himself, eyes shut and mouth fallen open as he pushes himself back against the single finger. “More, Damen.”

“Are you sure, love? You haven’t had anything inside you for a while.”

“I’m not made of glass, do it harder.” Laurent groans, sweat breaking on his skin as Damen adds a second finger and begins to work him up mercilessly. He can make Laurent come from this alone so easily — he’s done it plenty of times before. Being on all fours with his ass raised shamelessly like this seems to allow Damen better access than he usually has when Laurent is on his back and God is he taking advantage of it. 

“You’re so beautiful, Laurent.” Damen whispers. “You’re always so tight for me, does it feel good for you?”

“Yes.” Laurent whines, caught between his desperation for Damen to fuck him already and not wanting the fingers inside of him to stop what they’re doing for a single second. 

As if reading his mind, Damen decides for him, kissing the small of Laurent’s back and removing his fingers. He pushes himself to his feet and Laurent lifts his head instantly, pouting far more than he means to.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m right here.” Damen assures, taking a throw pillow from the sofa and returning to kneel by Laurent on the carpet. “Turn onto your back for me.”

Laurent does, his skin warm from a mix of arousal and the nearby fire. He lifts his hips and allows Damen to place the pillow beneath them, watching with a newfound vulnerability as Damen reaches for the lube once again.

It just feels so… romantic. Damen’s really laid him down by a fireplace, the house is covered in Christmas decorations, the tree making the room smell like pine. He’s tender and desperate from the new way Damen had just pleasured him and suddenly Laurent is desperate to have his arms around him. 

“Come here.” Laurent asks, holding his arms open and smiling when Damen lies over him. “I don’t know if you should kiss me after what you just did.”

“Tastes fine to me.” Damen winks and Laurent kisses him anyways, practically purring into his mouth as he winds his arms around Damen’s broad shoulders, opening his legs and folding them.

Laurent feels Damen reach down between them and sighs when the press of Damen’s cock is finally against his ass. It feels like ages now since he’s had this. He wants it so badly he thinks he might burst.

Luckily, Damen is able to read his every expression. He doesn’t tease anymore, doesn’t play around, just kisses Laurent so sweetly and pushes inside. He knows just how to do it so as never to hurt him — a few inches in, then back, then in a little deeper, repeating until he’s fully seated and Laurent has hooked his legs over Damen’s hips. 

“I missed this so much.” Laurent admits. “E-Even when I was making you wait, I was too nervous, but I still wanted it. I wanted it so bad, Damen.”

“Me too.” Damen whispers against his lips, nuzzling their noses together as he gives Laurent a moment to adjust. “I felt like I was dying not being able to make love to you.” He backs out a little and gives a careful thrust back in, kissing the corner of Laurent’s mouth as he repeats the motion. “You like that?”

“Yes.” Laurent breathes, floating in complete bliss as he shuts his eyes and tries to memorize every bit of how it feels for Damen to be inside of him again.

“Good boy.”

Laurent lets out a strange breath to reveal his arousal at the words and tucks his face safely into Damen’s neck. He clings to him with all four limbs and though his heart is racing, he's not nervous. He’s not scared. Nothing hurts, even though it’s been a long time since the last time Damen entered him. 

As they start to rock together in a rhythm, Laurent lavishes Damen’s neck in love and attention, needing an outlet other than words to express how much he loves him in this moment. He hums, sucking and nibbling, kissing on tan skin until Damen begins to fuck him hard enough that he can’t concentrate on doing anything but letting himself be taken. 

It feels like the very last bit of Laurent’s wound has healed as Damen makes love to him. Everything is close and warm and intimate. He feels safe and doesn’t restrict the noises that fall from his mouth. He whimpers and moans for Damen, gasps his name, and tells him what he wants. He asks for more, to be fucked harder, then faster, then slower. Damen meets him every time, holding him close as he fucks him, his mouth sucking eagerly on Laurent’s neck between sweet words of love and praise. 

When Laurent comes, he cries out louder than he ever has before, arching and shaking into Damen’s touch. He digs his heels into the small of his back, not allowing Damen to pull out, encouraging him to finish inside of him. It’s been too long since he’s felt it. 

“I love you.” Laurent says again when Damen collapses on top of him, letting Laurent hug him to his chest. “I love you so much, Damen. Thank you.”

“Thank you for what?” Damen smiles, nosing against Laurent’s jaw. 

“Making me feel like…” Laurent makes a fluttering motion with his hand, unable to find the proper word. “I don’t know, like this. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy around the holidays.”

“Well get used to it because I’m not letting you spend any more holidays alone.” Damen says, kissing Laurent’s cheek and lifting himself up enough to reach down and pull out. “You did so good, Sweetheart.” He rubs his fingers gently around Laurent’s rim a few times, the muscle sore and irritated. “Poor thing, we’ll get you in a hot shower in just a minute.”

Laurent shrugs and runs a hand through Damen’s hair. “It doesn’t hurt bad. You’re always gentle, you just  _ also _ have the cock of a giant animal.”

“Shut up.” Damen chuckles. “Come with me.” He slides his hands down Laurent’s sides and squeezes his waist, leaning in to press one more gentle kiss to Laurent’s lips, soft and kind, his hands holding him close. “Let’s get you taken care of.”

******

For the first time in his life, Laurent allows himself everything. He allows Damen to touch him as he pleases and allows himself to melt into the touch in turn. He gives in to the urge whenever he wants to be the one doing the touching. He tells Damen the stupid lovey dovey thoughts that come to his mind and he lets himself be soft, be vulnerable, be himself. 

He sleeps naked and snuggles in extra close to Damen each night and doesn’t have a single nightmare. He sleeps in, cooks breakfast in nothing but his underwear and an oversized t-shirt just to enjoy the way his half asleep boyfriend comes up behind him in the morning to grope his ass and cover his neck in sleep warmed kisses.

Damen lets Laurent exact one more act of revenge by fucking him over the ping pong table and a few other beloved communal corners of the house until Laurent is eventually sore enough he can only beg for Damen’s mouth. 

Damen seems to oblige to his every whim and Laurent is happy to return the favor, relishing in how Damen gets desperate and pulls his hair, or the couple occasions Laurent’s gotten him to come earlier than Damen meant to. 

On Christmas Eve night, he’s sex sated and warm, the perfect kind of sleepy that pulls at his eyelids and makes him fit so comfortably into Damen’s arms. He can’t wait to give him the guitar in the morning and he hopes to God it’s a good enough present. 

“You excited for the morning?” Damen asks, his nose nuzzling against Laurent’s neck. “You better get to sleep or you know Santa might not come.”

“If someone comes down our chimney, I’m expecting some level of body guarding.”

“I can take some old man in a red suit.”

“I’m sure you could.” Laurent lets out a tired laugh and rolls over in Damen’s arms, kissing his chin and tucking his head into the crook of Damen’s neck. “Will you be cranky if I get you up early?”

“No way, I’m excited too.” Damen smiles, sliding a hand down Laurent’s back and giving his ass a playful pinch. “You haven’t even  _ had _ Christmas sex yet.

Whole new level.”

“What, are you going to wrap holly around your dick?” Laurent teases with a soft kiss to Damen’s jaw. “Egg nog scented lube?”

Damen crinkles his nose. “Gross.”

“You’ve done grosser.” Laurent yawns, hooking one leg over Damen’s thigh as he shuts his eyes. “Wake me if you’re up first.”

“Hey I’ve got a fancy Christmas breakfast to make.”

“At least wake me before you burn the house down.”

“Deal.” Damen agrees, his hand coming to rest casually on Laurent’s ass. Laurent only smiles at the touch. He’s gotten so comfortable with Damen’s hands on him that he doesn’t even get nervous anymore. He likes it. 

Laurent sighs and shuts his eyes, his heart swelling as Damen kisses the top of his head. It’s those sweet little gestures of affection that make him feel so content. 

“Get some sleep. I’ll wake you up in the morning and we’ll go downstairs together.”

“Sounds perfect.” Laurent hums, reveling in Damen’s warmth as he lets the urge to sleep take him. However tomorrow goes, it will be the first holiday he’s ever celebrated since losing his brother. No matter what, he’s happy. He’s not alone this time around

*****

Damen can’t bring himself to fall asleep for some time. Something so simple as this, lying here with Laurent in his arms, asleep and trusting, feels like a miracle. 

As much as they’ve already healed with one another, he keeps remembering things. He remembers how Laurent had flinched at the sight of him when he was first trying to make amends, the horrible hurt look of betrayal on Laurent’s face when Damen had come upstairs to find he’d heard his clumsy gossiping with his friends. He remembers the dark circles that had been under Laurent’s eyes, how skinny he’d looked, how terribly fragile and broken he had seemed. 

It still makes his chest ache. From the moment they met, Laurent had been steadfast. He’d been wickedly beautiful, clever, and cunning, seeming completely untouchable. He’d dodged Damen’s attempts to get to know him time and time again until finally,  _ finally _ Damen had managed to convince this beautiful boy in his bed that he was someone Laurent could trust. It was only behind closed doors that Damen was allowed to see the softer way that Laurent spoke when he was being honest — about things that he liked, people in his other classes who he thought were idiots, TAs and professors he thought were idiots as well, his stress over his grades, and the high bar set for maintaining his scholarship. 

Every little intimacy had been a precious gift. Each time Damen tried to offer up the idea of going on a date, Laurent had a sarcastic defense about him that seemed like he thought Damen was out to make fun of him or use him for something, humiliate him. That first date when Laurent hadn’t even been ready to kiss him, Damen had felt like the king of the world simply because they had brushed hands and it had made Laurent blush. 

Though monumental, it isn’t their first kiss, their first time making love that comes to Damen’s mind as a first major milestone between them. He remembers the day that Laurent started to cuddle with him. It had been the first cold front of the year and Laurent had allowed Damen to put an arm around his shoulder and tucked his head right into the crook of Damen’s neck to shut his eyes after a long day. Damen remembers the first time Laurent had tucked his cold feet under his thighs on the couch to warm up, the first time he spent a night in Laurent’s bed without having any kind of intercourse beforehand. 

Damen had been fiercely in love with him from that very first date if not sooner. When Laurent had finally truly let him in, told him all of the horror he’d endured, clung to Damen for comfort after a night terror or a panic attack, Damen had sworn to himself he would do anything to protect this precious person who had decided to trust him. 

Then Damen had hurt him. 

He hadn’t just failed to protect him or unwittingly blundered. He was the one who hurt Laurent. 

Laurent stirs in his sleep, Damen tensing with readiness to wake him if another nightmare has crept up, but then he settles again, nuzzling his cheek sweetly against Damen’s chest. His heart melts at the affection, squeezing him tight (though not tight enough to wake him up) and breathing in the familiar scent of his hair. 

It’s not a mistake he’ll ever make again. He may not always be perfect, but by God, he will never be the reason that this person in his arms sheds a tear or spends a holiday alone. Damen doesn’t know what Laurent has planned giftwise tomorrow other than that he’s been especially sneaky about something, but he knows there isn’t anything else he could want beyond this. Laurent unclothed in his bed, peacefully asleep, and wrapped up in Damen’s embrace like he knows he’s safe here. 

*****

In the morning, Laurent finds that Damen keeps his promise. Damen wakes him up early, but not too early, covering his face in warm morning kisses and putting a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Merry Christmas.” Damen smiles and Laurent responds with a bleary grin, his heart feeling so light and so full at the exact same time. Damen’s wearing only a pair of pajama shorts and a Santa hat that looks like it came from the dollar store. Laurent adores it.

“Merry Christmas.” He repeats, wrapping his free arm around Damen’s neck and pulling him down into a kiss, soft and warm, sucking his lower lip into his mouth and nibbling so he finds Damen blushing when they part. He sips the coffee and hums in content. Damen knows exactly how he likes it. 

“Breakfast is waiting. Come eat, then we can do presents.”

Laurent pouts. “But I want to give you yours.” He slides out of bed and puts the coffee on the nightstand, well aware he’s still naked from the night before as he sidles up to Damen and wraps his arms around his shoulders. 

“You don’t play fair.” Damen smiles, his hands coming up to hold Laurent’s waist before sneaking around and down to grab his ass. Laurent actually laughs at the gesture, blushing as he kisses Damen’s cheek. “Let me feed you, then we can get to it. I made your favorite.”

Laurent raises an eyebrow. 

“Strawberry pancakes.”

“I hate that you know that.” Laurent sighs, but he’s grinning as he pulls away. He takes his robe from where it hangs on the bathroom door and slides into it, tying the sash around his waist and offering his hand for Damen to lead him. “Show me the way, Christmas expert.”

Damen takes his hand and Laurent allows himself to be led down the stairs, his heart thumping when they walk past the Christmas tree, their gifts for each other placed underneath. They pass into the kitchen where Damen has pulled two chairs up to the bar counter for them and arranged breakfast in front of them. 

“Damen, you really did have to do all this” Laurent says as he takes his seat, tucking his hair back behind his ears, so it doesn’t get in the way of eating. He does feel a small twinge of guilt — is he asking too much? Even though he knows he had a right to be upset when they had their big blow out, he feels like he overreacted whenever he looks back on it now. Damen’s done so much for him since then.

“I know, but I wanted to.” Damen grins, standing next to him and planting a kiss on Laurent’s cheek. “I like seeing you happy. Everything I do for you is selfish because I love that look on your face too much.”

Laurent softens and says another prayer that Damen will like his gift before thanking him again and eating what Damen’s made him. He knows his boyfriend is not much of a cook in any sense of the word, but the pancakes are delicious. They’re exactly how he likes him and Damen made his eggs exactly to his taste as well. Laurent suspects there were a few failed attempts before Damen made what’s on his plate, but the thought is adorable.

He eats quickly, feeling like a child as he rushes slightly through his meal in order to get to the gift giving. It’s not even that he’s excited for what Damen’s going to give him, he just wants so badly to do something nice for him and see how Damen reacts to the guitar. 

“That was actually really good.” Laurent smiles when he finishes, nudging his plate back to indicate he’s finished. 

“Someone’s in a rush.” Damen winks. “That excited for presents?”

“Perhaps.” Laurent blushes, reaching over and squeezing Damen’s knee. “Can we?”

“You’re so adorable, I can’t even tell you.” Damen hops down from the bar stool and gestures for Laurent to follow. “But I’m giving you your gifts first.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.” Laurent narrows his eyes, but he joins Damen regardless, his chest swelling as they walk to the Christmas tree. His heart is pounding as if he’s about to step onto a stage, but he’s only sitting down on the carpet and tucking his robe between his legs to cover himself. 

Damen sits across from him and leans over to kiss his lips, lingering a while, so Laurent has the time to relax against him. 

When they part, Laurent sits back and blushes as Damen reaches for a midsized box wrapped messily in red paper (despite Damen’s clear best efforts). He smiles, but he almost feels embarrassed for how excited he is. He feels childish, but it just feels so wonderful to have this feeling again, of being awake on Christmas morning with someone who loves him. 

“Open it.” Damen encourages, setting the box in Laurent’s lap and looking at him with bright eyes. Laurent already knows he’ll love it no matter what the actual gift is.

He peels back the paper, trying not to let on the giddiness he’s truly feeling as he rips open just enough to view what's been wrapped. “Really?” He can’t help his grin when he looks up at Damen. It’s a new French press and a bag of coffee beans from his favorite cafe across town. His old one had broken and Laurent had complained about what a pain it was to get a good cup of coffee at home. That was months ago and Damen remembered. “Damen, I love it.” Laurent says honestly, not bothering to hide the adoration he knows his expression is radiating. No one has ever given him a gift like this before.

“That’s just a little one to get started.” Damen laughs, putting his hands on Laurent’s knees and squeezing. “Ready for another?”

“Can’t I please give you one of your smaller ones?” Laurent pouts. “I want to see if you like them.”

“All in due time, my impatient love.” Damen says as he takes a rectangular silver gift from beneath the tree, the small box barely bigger than his hand. “Open this one next.”

Laurent swallows as he takes it, fearing what’s inside may be expensive, something nice he won’t be able to match with what he’s gotten Damen, but when he takes off the lid, his heart melts. It’s simple. A small necklace with his birthstone, sapphire, and it’s subtle enough for him to wear casually. He can always keep it on if he likes, touch it when he feels anxious, or when he misses Damen. “I… I love this.” He isn’t even surprised at the level of thoughtfulness Damen’s gifts display. As obnoxious and dopey as his boyfriend can be on occasion, usually drunk or with friends, Damen is kind and caring above all. He can’t even help but smile as he looks down at the necklace.

The best part is, Damen hasn’t wildly outdone him as he feared. Their gifts will be on par with one another and Laurent won’t feel so guilty for all the events of the past month or so. He won’t feel like he failed at his first holiday with his lover.

“I have one more for you, then you can give me all of yours, okay?” Damen stands up and takes the necklace from Laurent’s hand, draping it around his neck and latching it when Laurent lifts his hair to allow it. “It’s in the garage.”

“The garage?” Laurent raises an eyebrow. “What, are you gifting me a new beer pong table? Nothing good is typically stored in there around here.”

“Just trust me.” Damen smiles, perfectly kind and confident as he offers his hand and pulls Laurent to his feet. 

Laurent follows hesitantly, fearful whatever may be waiting for him will be something his own gift won’t be able to match. Damen leads him to the garage door and cracks it open, reaching in to turn on the light.

“Ready?” Damen beams and Laurent’s heart thumps. He pushes the door open all the way and Laurent’s mouth drops open. 

Parked in the garage is a car Laurent has never seen before. It’s dark blue, nothing too extravagant and obviously used, but the red bow on top confirms for sure that this expensive gesture is for Laurent. Damen bought him a  _ car _ . He’s completely caught between emotions, his eyes watering at the sweetness of the gift, the idea that Damen would do something like this for him. At the same time, his stomach feels sick. Damen has completely outdone him. With his own meager finances, Laurent couldn’t afford something like this for Damen. The big gift he had planned for today costs one tenth of what this does. 

“You got this for me?” Laurent swallows, walking up close and looking it over. He loves it. It’s not big or flashy, but it still looks nice. It’s small, but cozy, and still big enough to comfortably put a seat back and climb into Damen’s lap. He wants to cry, he loves it so much, and he hasn’t gotten anything close to good enough to give to Damen.

“Do you like it?” Damen asks. “I know it’s not exactly new, but… I worry about you walking so much in the cold and I really wanted to give you something special for our first Christmas together.”

“Damen, I…” Laurent’s heart aches as he turns to face him. “I love it, but I don’t… I didn’t get you anything that comes close to this, I-“

“I don’t expect you to, Laurent. I had the money and I just wanted to do it. It’s for both of us too in a way, I mean I sure wouldn’t mind my handsome boyfriend picking me up from football practice.” Damen smiles. “I’ll love whatever you got me. Knowing you like the car is a gift on its own.”

Laurent doesn’t have words, so he surges forward, throwing his arms around Damen and hugging him so tight, they have to stagger back a step. He’s never had something like this in his life. It took months of saving to get a $400 guitar, he never thought he’d have a car of his own until maybe his 30s. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Damen says, hugging him back and pressing kisses into his hair. “Hey, I wanted to give you something that shows I’m in this for the long haul. I know I hurt you and… I want you to know that it really won’t happen again. I love you.”

“I know.” Laurent pulls back to cup Damen’s face in his hands. “And I know that I hurt you too when I pushed you away. I never should have cut you off completely like I did.” He gets on his toes and kisses Damen on the mouth, brushing his tongue over Damen’s lower lip, trying to translate through the kiss how much he really loves him, how much this gesture matters to him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get you something bigger.”

“You haven’t even shown me yet.” Damen smiles, his eyes bright and kind. “I’ll love it no matter what. Christmas isn’t about the gifts, yeah? It’s not about the material thing. I got you the car so I can know you’re safe and warm and so you don’t have to walk everywhere. It’ll give you more time, more freedom. The money doesn’t matter.”

“You’ve still eclipsed my budget several times over.” Laurent sighs, bringing his hands back down from Damen’s cheeks. “If you don’t like it, be honest though. I saved the receipt and if you don’t, you can return it or exchange it for one you like better.”

“Laurent.” Damen laughs. “I’m going to love  _ whatever _ it is. Come show me already, I’ll prove it to you.”

Laurent is sure Damen will act happy no matter what, but he still feels a little guilty that he won’t be making Damen feel what he’d just felt seeing that car in the garage. Still, he leads Damen back to the living room again and sits across from him on the carpet. His heart is pounding in his throat as he slides the large package out from under the tree and nudges it towards Damen, hugging himself as he watches Damen begin to peel the paper back.

He’d packed it carefully in a large rectangular box so the shape wouldn’t give it away and his chest is tight as Damen exposes the cardboard and lifts the lid. Laurent watches for Damen’s reaction, but the moment the guitar is revealed, Damen’s face goes still. Shit. “I’m sorry, it was a stupid idea, I should’ve-“

“Laurent.” Damen says, his voice quiet as he reaches into the box to run his hand over the wood and the rough chords along the neck, plucking a few and watching them vibrate. “Laurent, baby… How did you know this about me?”

Laurent’s heart gives a hopeful beat. “You told me.” He swallows. “We were talking about our brothers and you mentioned how you used to play guitar together, but I never saw one around the house.” 

When Damen meets Laurent’s eyes, he’s welling up just like Laurent had moments ago in the garage. “We had just started dating then, you really remembered that?”

“Of course I did.” Laurent shrugs. “I know I acted a little… cold in the beginning, but I did like you. I listened to everything.” 

Damen’s smile is helpless as he sets the guitar to the side carefully and leans over to hug Laurent so tight it almost knocks the wind out of him. “I love you, Laurent. Thank you.”

“I love you too.” Laurent blushes, smiling as he hugs him back. “I want you to know, I… I don’t even feel upset anymore when I remember what we fought about. I just never want to fight again.”

“I don’t think my heart could take you being mad at me again.” Damen laughs and presses a line of sweet kisses up Laurent’s neck. “You can always trust me.” 

Laurent shuts his eyes and nuzzles his nose into Damen’s stop hair. 

He does trust him. 

He’d trust him with anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day!! I hope y'all enjoyed this, make sure to follow me on Twitter @nuttinonice for more fic updates and ways to support me <3

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my Twitter @nuttinonice ! Chapter 2 is already posted on another platform you can find through my Twitter bio <3


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